


Under my skin ∞

by HedaSophie



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, Science Fiction, Shapeshifting, Wolves
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-13
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2018-11-13 16:34:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 43,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11189052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HedaSophie/pseuds/HedaSophie
Summary: This fanfiction sets place after season 4 - exactly 6 years and 7 days after the deathwave.While Octavia & the clans are still in the bunker, not sure if it is safe to leave already, Clarke waits for the safe return of the dropship with her friends inside. Well - actually Clarke waits for anyone to show up. She’s been alone – except that little girl, Madi.But how did Clarke manage to survive the last years?Who is the little nightblood and why does she remind Clarke of Lexa all the time?Is the big dropship full of enemies or did Raven manage to bring them home safely?Will they all meet again?And why does Clarke have the feeling that something - or somebody? - has watched and protected her the whole time?Let's find out together!___________________Under my skin - trailer made by my wonderful Misslane <3https://youtu.be/xLPjQRE5rw8Feel free to ask me about this fanfic: https://curiouscat.me/HedaSophie





	1. Chapter 1

**∞ Chapter 1 ∞**

 

„Madi! Hurry. We need to get out of here. Quick!” Clarke grabbed the first things that came to her mind - the backpack that was always close and packed with all the stuff which was most important to her, her weapon and of course Madi’s hand. “But Clarke, what about the car…?” – “There’s no time for that now. We’ll come and get it back later.” Later. If that is possible. She did not say that out loud. Madi had enough to worry about already. Whoever these people with the big dropship were, Clarke was sure that they had nothing to do with her friends and she was even more sure about the fact that they meant danger for her little small spot of life here. Danger for Madi – above all. They ran deeper into the forest and made it to the cave which used to be their safe place before they had found the old car a few weeks ago. Clarke made Madi walk inside, put down the few things she carried with them and placed herself at the entrance of the small cave, looking outside. The sun already set and painted the trees surrounding them in a reddish color. Silence. The only noise left was the wind which slowly moved the trees’ leaves from side to side. “Ai fir raun.” It was the first time Clarke actually turned her head and looked at the little Natblida’s face. Madi’s green eyes were opened wide, she pressed her small body against the backside of the cave and looked directly at Clarke. “Nou fir raun, strikon. What did I tell you about fear? Don’t let it catch you or your spirit might leave.” She forced herself to smile, give her little protégé the feeling of being safe. She knew that it would probably not work. Madi was no child anymore. Not the 7 years-old she found right after the death wave. “Nou wochop deyon. Beja...“, Madi answered quietly and Clarke felt a real smile appear on her face, even if the situation was not one for a smile at all. “You will never learn to be as good as she was if you never wanna learn something from me.” Clarke looked back outside and tried to locate any new noises but the forest still remained quiet. The only sound she heard was Madi sighing behind her and sitting down, her back still pressed against the wall. Madi murmured something to herself but suddenly she spoke up, her voice clearly audible now: “No matter what I’m doing, I’ll never be as good as Lexa was.”

 

It always came down to this. Since the day Clarke found 7 years-old Madi, alone and lost in the woods, the only survivor due to the fact that she was a nightblood like Clarke, Madi wanted nothing more than to make Clarke proud. She never wanted to be a burden and seemed to be smarter than a child usually was. While Clarke could not bring herself to leave the young child alone, something like a mother-daughter-relationship started to set sail. Or more like… a mentor-second. And who if not Lexa taught Clarke how to be a good mentor for a nightblood? It was the most natural thing that Clarke tried to teach Madi everything she learned from the great Heda. Everything Lexa stood for. It helped Clarke to keep the memories alive and to grieve in a different and a lot healthier way. As they grew closer, Clarke found herself telling Madi about all the good things Lexa did. The piece she created, the big alliance with the 12 and later 13 clans. She told Madi about the heroic fighting skills Lexa had and how Lexa won the fight against Roan, who later became king of Azgeda. It became normal to tell Madi about the great Heda, hero for her people. And it was only a matter of time until Madi found herself on a position of loving Lexa and calling her a rolemodel and her true hero. They talked about the commander nearly every day, countless times. As often as possible Madi wanted to hear the stories about her hero – until she knew all of them by heart.

 

The only thing Clarke always kept to herself was the soft side of the commander. The side that was never the Heda but only Lexa. The side nobody knew but her. It was the side which belongs to her and only her. And while all the others wanted Lexa to be the perfect commander, Lexa was always enough for Clarke. It haunted her that she never got the time to tell Lexa exactly that. Clarke also did not want to share the memories of how gentle Lexa loved her, how small and soft she was when Clarke hold her in her arms and how she fell asleep peacefully each night while Lexa smoothly touched her skin and made her feel safe and warm.

 

Clarke’s heart skipped a beat as she let out a sigh and decided that it was safe for her to leave the entrance for now. Talking about Lexa – even if it was not that soft side – was still something that hurt. It hurt in a way nobody seemed to understand. Why was Clarke still here while Lexa would never be able to see what happened to the world? To her people? Maybe it was better that way. Lexa would probably be so disappointed. The human race might have been rescued but at what price? Wasn’t the price too high? Did Clarke let Lexa down with everything she did? Or did let happen, to be fair.

 

Clarke slowly turned around, kneed down in front of the little nightblood and gently touched her right cheek with her fingertips while she looked directly into the green eyes. Eyes like Lexa’s. There was so much about this child that reminded Clarke of her lost love. Sometimes Clarke even thought that part of Lexa would never be lost as long as Madi stayed alive. As if part of Lexa was part of Madi now. But then again it was probably a coincidence that they looked very much alike. Or Clarke was just not able to remember every detail of Lexa and tried to reach out for anything that might fit in. It’s been over 6 years and although Clarke tried to stop it, the memory of Lexa faded. Her voice was just a dull sound, far away; her scent was lost, not within reach anymore. And young Madi, a nightblood herself, probably had similar facial features due to the same Trikru-origins.

“Sen ai op. It is not your task to become the next Lexa. It is your task to be you. Everything you are is so special, Madi. And Lexa was very special, too. She was a fighter, willing to sacrifice everything for peace, not only her life but everything she had. And she was calm, like the ocean on a summer-day, yet protective when it came to her people. Her loved ones. But even if you aren’t Lexa, the commander of 13 clans – being yourself will always be enough if you try to be the best ‘you’ one could imagine. You don’t have to be Heda to change the world for the better.” It took Madi a while to let that sink in. While Clarke prepared something to eat for the both of them and checked the territory outside the cave, the nightblood seemed to be in thoughts the rest of the day.

Finally, when Clarke came back to the cave in the evening, Madi spoke up once again, her answer well-considered. “But being me will never be enough for you, right?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the comments on chapter 1! <3  
> I'm glad you liked the start! I hope you do like the second one, too!  
> Right now I'm trying to give a better view on how Clarke feels and what Madi's role in her life could be.  
> I know that you are all wondering if Lexa is alive or not and what happened to all the others.
> 
> I'd like to ask you all for a bit more patience as I try to make it all logical (at least somehow) and I don't wanna rush through the story (made this mistake with another fanfiction of mine and was never happy with the outcome).
> 
> Also - as you might have recognized already - the chapters aren't that long in general.  
> I hope you don't mind that - it's sometimes easier for me to update the story with shorter chapters.
> 
> Enjoy chapter 2 and may we meet again! <3

**∞ Chapter 2 ∞**

 

“What do you mean by that?” Clarke sharpened her eyes and laid down her weapon for a second. Madi turned away and grabbed her bow and arrow. “I’m going to hunt for us.” She tried to steal herself away but Clarke held her back. Clarke was usually not the kind of mentor who wanted her second to follow blindly and with fear in her eyes, but respect was the least she could expect.  
  
“Madi. You’re not going anywhere right now. I’ve been outside. These people from the big dropship didn’t show up yet but they landed and that means they will show up eventually. I won’t let them catch you. Understood?” While she was talking, Madi dropped her gaze once again, this time with something that looked like remorse or at least a little bit of concession. She nodded and swallowed hard, knowing that she might have crossed a line but Clarke’s facial expression softened again.  
“Being you – being Madi – has always been enough for me”, Clarke assured and put one of Madi’s strands of hair back under her knit hat. Now that Madi said all these things, Clarke was not so sure if giving her a role model like Lexa was the best idea. Lexa was a hero – no doubt about that – but it was hard to try to catch up with her. Especially for a 13 years-old.  
“I collected some firewood. Would you mind lighting the fire inside the cave while I remove the pretty fur-clothes of this rabbit?” This made Madi smile again and she immediately grabbed the firewood. Clarke herself took her knife, the fresh prey and went outside again.  
  
Now that the shadows were back, some kind of inner peace came back to Clarke. Breathing in felt like being alive. Or what was left of being alive. Clarke was more than thankful for finding Madi back then. The little nightblood was her reason to stay alive. Survive. Without her Madi would probably not be here right now and the other way around.  
She closed her eyes once again and her mouth angle rose for a second. If the strangers tried to find her in this moment, they most likely would not succeed and even if they would, Clarke and Madi were faster. They knew this territory, every tree and every cave. It used to be their home for the past years. The only place left on earth with a bit of green and surviving chance – from what Clarke had seen by now.  With the knife she started to remove the fur of the rabbit while her attentiveness never left. Constant vigilance. It was necessary, especially right now. And again there was this strange feeling – the feeling of being watched. Clarke held her breath, listened to the forest noises. Only birds, the wind and the sound of the trees again. Behind her the sound of Madi who quietly hummed a melody Clarke did not know. Nothing else. Then suddenly… Pad Pad Pad. Large paws. She sharpened her eyes immediately and glanced over to the shadows of the forest. Pad Pad. Silence. Being watched, but not in a bad way… more like… protection. Darkness again. Clarke swallowed, her throat was dry. What was that?  
For a small second she thought that she saw something… a pair of eyes watching her out of the darkness. Grey fur which reflected the dimmed light of the moon. Clarke blinked and the pair of eyes was gone and with it the feeling of being safe. With the skinned rabbit in one and her knife in the other hand she walked back into the cave, back to her reason of moving on.

 

* * *

 

Later that night Clarke and Madi both sat in front of the campfire. The night was starless due to the fact that thick fog started to surround the whole forest. It became harder to see farther than one meter, but Clarke did not worry about that at all. It was quiet again; the only sound was the peacefully crackling fire that bathed the cave-walls in a soothing orange light. It reminded Clarke of candlelight… the smell of the many candles that were placed in Lexa’s room in Polis. It was never stuffy – it always gave her the feeling of being home. Above all it made her feel comfortable back then and it still did now, although it was a bigger source of fire. Clarke thought about all the wonderful memories that were connected to candles. And all of the memories had Lexa in them, too. Moments like this reminded Clarke of the fact, that – no matter how faded the memory of her love would be in the future – Lexa would never be fully forgotten. She was happy that Madi knew about her, too. Maybe Madi would tell the stories to her children one day. Being remembered… that was what Clarke wanted for Lexa. She deserved to be remembered as that one hero who worked towards peace, harder than anyone else ever could. It did not matter if people would remember Skaikru, how they came back to earth or the great Wanheda. People should remember Lexa and her alliance. Heda Lexa and her achievement.  
  
“Tell me about the fight again. With King Roan of Azgeda”, Madi begged hardly audible; her head was placed in Clarke’s lap and she was nearly asleep. “Ron yu op bida riden”, Clarke answered. It was late and Madi needed to rest. No matter what was going on outside this cave, she was still a child and Clarke wanted her to grow up like any other child her age – well, at least similar to any other child. “Please…I can’t sleep right now… Beja, beja…”, Madi murmured and yawned once more. Whenever she was that tired, Madi started to mix up Trigedasleng with English and the other way around. For Clarke it was the definite sign of bedtime, but today she understood that Madi somehow needed the distraction in order to be able to fall asleep without having weird dreams.  
  
“Alright. Well… where do I start…” – “You arrived and she saw you and in that moment… swoosh! She pulled her sword out!” Clarke laughed quietly when she heard the sudden excitement in Madi’s sleepy voice.  
  
_I’m glad you came. – Me too._  
  
“Well Lexa pulled her sword after Roan did. He attacked her. Before he reached her, she turned around like a small storm and the fight began. Lexa was wilder but Roan’s strength should never be underestimated. After all he was a man and I don’t want you to have this prejudice but men usually are stronger while women have advantages when it comes to being agile and fast. – Roan brought her to her knees, blade pressed against blade…Everyone thought that she wouldn’t be able to fight back from that position…” – “…but then Lexa grabbed his sword, everyone could see her nightblood at his blade and she fought back!”, Madi completed the sentence and Clarke’s facial expression lit up again. She gently stroked Madi’s cheek with her fingertips again and wiped away the braided hair. Madi always wore it in the same way Lexa used to. Every day she wanted Clarke to renew it, to braid it exactly like she did it for Lexa. And with each day Clarke became better doing so. It was a soothing action. Back when she wanted to braid Lexa’s hair she usually failed and somebody else needed to help out. If only Lexa could see how good Clarke became with braiding Madi’s hair… One could barely see it, because Madi always wore her knit hat on top of her head but Clarke knew that it was Lexa’s hairstyle and that was enough.  
  
“Yes. Yes she fought back. Until she finally had two swords… she got his one, too. I was relieved, but only for a second. Roan immediately got himself a big spear. … And while Lexa seemed to become wilder and faster, spinning around like a whirlwind, Roan definitely felt the pressure. And he fought even better than before. He managed to remove Lexa’s swords. I thought that the fight was over. There was no way she could defend herself now, laying on the ground, no weapon, while Roan came over with his big spear.” Although Madi heard this part of the story many times already and knew the outcome, Clarke loved how her green eyes always widened when she came to that turning point of the story. For herself it felt like being back there, on the side of the battlefield. There was nothing she could do to help Lexa. The fear that reached every part of her body was more than overwhelming. To this day she was still able to feel everything she felt back then.  
  
_If you’re right, today’s the day my spirit will choose a successor. And you need to accept that. – Like hell I do._  
  
Madi felt the rising tension, most likely because Clarke’s grip around her small body tightened a bit. The small nightblood raised her hand and pulled on one of Clarke’s pink strands of hair. “But there was indeed a way…”, Madi yawned and placed one hand on Clarke’s wrist. “…Lexa kicked his ass and killed the ice-bitch…Jus drein jus daun…” The little girl closed her eyes and moved to the side, her head never leaving Clarke’s warm lap. Clarke felt tears in her eyes but they never found their way down her cheeks. Not right now. “I told you not to use words like that, strikon”, she whispered, but was sure that Madi was already asleep. The little girl knew her better than she thought. Clarke’s only source of happiness in the loneliness of the destroyed planet.  
  
_Jus drein jus daun has always, always been the way of our people._    
  
Funny how she was the one, who changed exactly that about Lexa. “Jus nou drein jus daun”, she murmured to herself, gently stroking Madi’s back again. _Blood must not have blood._  
Outside the cave the small and dull noise of big paws on the moist forest floor was back but Clarke was too busy with her thoughts for recognizing it this time. When she murmured her last words, a little yowl was carried away by the wind…


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is - chapter 3.  
> I thought it was about time to bring back more characters - welcome back, Skaikru! 
> 
> Oh and... somebody else is back, too.  
> A certain animal... what's going on here?
> 
> Feel free to leave comments to give me feedback!  
> Anything you'd like to see next? Any ideas on the whole wolf thing?  
> Do you think that Lexa is still alive? 
> 
> We shall see! :)

 

**∞ Chapter 3 ∞**

“We talked about this. It WAS our only choice, Bellamy.” Bellamy sighed but Raven did not change her opinion. Echo – for once – agreed with what Raven said. A few years ago, the former Azgeda-warrior would have laughed if anyone told her that she would agree with a Skaikru at all. But death wave came and it literally changed everything… and everyone. For the better? Probably. But even if not, Echo had no choice than to learn how to be part of this new… clan? If 7 people were enough for a clan…She sighed, too, but her cold façade did not show any other sign of emotion.  
Whatever else happened - coming down with these people really was their only choice. They did not have any resources left on the Arc and being a prisoner was no option either – although it still felt like being a prisoner most of the time.  
After going up to space, the small group of the friends lived in peace for about 5 ½ years… and then “they” showed up. “They” were other survivors in space. “They” called themselves the Eligius-crew. Echo did not really understand how they survived or why Skaikru never knew that they existed up there, too, but she actually could not care less. Wasn’t that somehow typical for Skypeople? They always seemed to be so intelligent but did not recognize the easiest things sometimes.  
Living in space was hard for her. She was a grounder. Still. And she tried to fit in. She tried to learn more about their technology. Hell – she even became friends with Harper, Emori and Raven and played a “board game” with them, that they called chess. Monty tried his best to explain all these Skaikru-things to her and Emori. In return, Echo changed one room of the Arc into a training-room and showed them how to use a sword. It kept her senses alive. It helped her not to freak out between all these strange sky-things. And it also gave her the feeling of being part of something again. The truth was that Echo still tried to never let her cold façade drop, but she felt better than ever before. Azgeda was her past, everything she knew. Azgeda was all her pride, her self-consciousness and her strength. Azgeda was her coldness, her brutal side. Everything. But had Azgeda ever made her feel like she was wanted as anything other than the strong warrior? Has Azgeda ever felt like home to her, now that she knew what being wanted felt like?  
Over 6 years in space were enough time to overthink her entire life. Bellamy and the others showed her, that being Echo might be as important as being the strong and cold warrior of Azgeda. Or it might be even more important. Being Echo for these 6 years changed her whole sense of life.  
“She’s right. At least we’re down on the earth again. It’s just a matter of time now”, Echo said and Harper smiled at her. Smile. A strange and weird emotion, wasn’t it? “You can’t wait to see your old friends, can you?”, Harper asked and touched Echo’s shoulder. She used to flinch at gestures like that, but 6 years were enough to make her used to it. Kindness. As an answer she just raised her mouth angle a bit.  
  
“Who knows if the people in the bunker are still alive? We can’t be sure unless they let us leave already. It was part of the deal. Raven helps them with the landing and after that they let us leave. It’s about time.” Bellamy pressed his hands against the door. He was worried. Echo could see it in his eyes. Reading the emotions of all these people became easier over the years, too. “Give them some time, Bel”, Raven added after changing a look with Echo. – “It’s been over 6 years, I’m tired of waiting! I wasted enough time. This time was supposed to be time I could spend with my sister and in peace.”

The doors opened up and Emori and Murphy joined the others. “Still nothing?”, Emori asked and Murphy laughed sarcastically. “Told you. We ARE prisoners.”  
Echo could not disagree with that. They literally got nothing since Raven landed that big dropship. Right after the landing the Eligius-people – or more their leader, Mike – told them not to leave this room until somebody came for them. Just some more tests, he said. He wanted to know if the earth was really safe again. “If they had a Raven it would have been figured out within seconds”, Monty grumbled and Bellamy nodded in agreement, as the door opened once again. It was Harriet, Mike’s assistant.  
“It’s time. We’re leaving the dropship and Mike wants you to join him.” She went back to the entrance and left the door open. Their way back.  
– “Guess what? We’re back, bitches”, Bellamy said and the others could not help but smile. It used to be Octavia’s first sentence back then. Echo was happy that she understood because Harper had told her a long while ago when she wanted to know what it was like to see earth for the first time.  
It’s been 6 years and 8 days and they were really back. Echo felt the rising tension inside her whole body. The ground. Feeling the cold breeze, smelling the nature. Suddenly she could not wait any minute longer.  


* * *

 

“Madi? Hey Madi! Where are you?” Clarke’s pulse rose immediately. Maybe outside? “MADI!” The little nightblood was nowhere to be found. Neither inside the cave nor anywhere near it. It took Clarke 2 more minutes to recognize that bow and arrow where gone, too. On a hunt. Clarke pressed her lips together, hid their most important things in the back of the cave and took her weapon. The fear of losing her created a big hole inside her. If something happened to Madi she would never forgive herself. Madi was her light. Madi was everything she had left. “MADI!”, she shouted again and tried to find footsteps on the ground but there was nothing but the even forest floor surrounding her. Of course… Madi was too smart to leave footsteps. Clarke went deeper into the forest, trying to use the way Madi most likely used, too. Sun high passed. The afternoon was longer than anything else the last years. Clarke never stopped, not even for a small break. She did not need it. Not right now. All she needed was her little second, her little nightblood to be safe. Again and again she searched the territory which was nearest to the cave. Nothing.

  
_What if the people from the big dropship caught her?_

  
No. Madi was too fast and too intelligent, wasn’t she? Madi knew better than to go anywhere near that dropship, right? “Please be safe, Madi, please”, she murmured to herself and finally sank down on her knees. If she’d go on like that she would be dehydrated eventually. Clarke allowed herself to drink from the small and clean water source that appeared on the side of her cave and to rest for a few minutes. Sunset was near and still there was no sign of Madi. A normal hunt would not take that much time.  
It felt like another hour had passed until Clarke finally heard a noise again. She came back to the cave and turned her head. Footsteps. Somebody running fast towards her and then… pad pad pad. The big paws again.

“CLARKE!”

It was Madi. The relieved feeling sank in. At least she was still alive. Nothing else mattered. Clarke could deal with any dangers that were still present now. She came to her feet, her weapon in her hands and loaded. Madi finally came in sight and right behind her – a wolf. Not some wolf… the wolf with the white fur and the black markings. The one Clarke knew she saw before. It was following Madi and watching her steps closely. Maybe Clarke was wrong and it was dangerous. Maybe the feeling of being protected by something was all a mistake. “Watch out! I’m gonna help you!”, she shouted back, now trying to rescue her little nightblood and set the focus of her weapon on the she-wolf’s pelt but Madi shook her head the moment she realized what Clarke was about to do and raised her hands. “NO! Don’t! She helped me! She saved my life! Clarke look! She… she looks like…”

Clarke gasped and let her weapon sink the moment she got a closer look on that strange animal. Like she already knew the wolf was somehow bigger than a normal wolf would have been… it had white and black markings… but most importantly and most conspicuous were the markings on her face… They were formed like a certain warpaint. A warpaint which was more than just familiar to Clarke. There could have been a whole army of people with warpaint and Clarke still would have recognized this special one without hesitation.

“…she looks like Lexa”, Clarke whispered. The wolf’s green eyes which focused on Clarke seemed to light up for a second while the paws found their way towards her.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit longer than the one's before but let's just say that this last scene hit me like a bus and I couldn't stop writing.  
> I don't think that any of you would mind at all :P 
> 
> Tell me what you think in the comments <3

“Run!” Echo ran deeper into the forest and shooed the others forwards. Her instincts were back the second her feet touched the ground. While all the others ran a bit faster, Raven had some problems to keep up. Echo bit her tongue. “Let me help you.” – “I’m fine, Echo”, Raven snapped. Exactly what Echo had expected to get as a response. “I don’t care what you think you are but right now you are a burden for everyone if you don’t let me help!”, Echo snapped back. There it was again. The warrior. Raven flinched next to her. The old topic with her leg was never a problem up in space. Everyone just forgot about it for the past years but down here it was a problem again and Echo knew that Raven wanted nothing more than to not be a burden. She felt both Bellamy’s and Harper’s gaze on her for a second but neither of them said anything while she put her arm around Raven and supported her as they went faster now.  
“What the hell are we doing here anyways?”, Murphy asked and looked after Emori who caught up to him a second later. “We’re escaping. Screw Eligius. And thanks to wolfie”, she answered with a foxy smile and got one in return from him.  
  
Echo tried to look back at the things that had happened after Harriet told them that Mike wanted to explore what was left of the earth with them. It had happened about half an hour ago and the memory was already blurred. Too fast. Coming back to earth was not as beautiful of a feeling as she thought before. The earth did not look like the one they left behind. It was recovering, yes, but not even half as biologically active as it used to be. To be honest it was more like a small area of green surrounded by other areas you could just describe as waste land. At least that’s what it looked like at first sight. Mike had started to guide them through the forest – or more – he walked in front and had no idea what to do and how to react to everything he saw. No surprise. Other than Skaikru, the Eligius-crew never saw earth after the first apocalypse again. Most of them were born in space and never knew what it was like to live without their technology up there. They only knew the things they read about earth in hundred years old books – and the real earth was nothing compared to the old book-versions of it. While everyone had followed Mike, Echo had become more and more used to the earth’s new appearance again. Everything inside her was calm again. It had felt right to be back. And then there was this little girl.  
  
“Who do you think she was? Anyone from the bunker we did not know?”, Raven interrupted Echo’s thoughts and Monty shrugged. “Possible. But since when did our bunker-crew have wolves?” Everyone paused for a moment and sat down on the forest floor. Echo changed a look with Raven and saw something like quiet gratitude. Raven was stubborn but not dumb. She knew that she would not have been able to run that fast without Echo’s help.  
“If you ask me it did not look like the wolf belong to the girl”, Harper said.  
“Interesting theory but how do you explain the fact that it immediately attacked Mike the moment he started to lift his pistol to the girl's head?”, Murphy answered, the sarcastic undertone unmistakable.  
Echo’s eyes sharpened. There was something about Harper’s thoughtfulness and sensitive character that was not to underestimate when it came to the analysis of a situation. Echo wanted to hear what she had to say. “Go on, Harper”, she said, after she threw an kinda angry look at Murphy.  
“I might be wrong but… when we first saw the girl with her bow and arrow… she was all on her own. And then Mike saw her next to that group of trees and I know that everything happened so fast but I swear that she had a surprised look on her face, too, when that wolf appeared and helped her out. It was like she did not suspect to see it at all, either. Her eyes were opened wide. As if she couldn’t believe it herself. If that wolf was her companion she would have known that it was there to protect her. But… I don’t think she knew until the second it appeared.”  
  
Echo was quite surprised that of all people Harper was the one who was able to pay attention to details like that in a tense situation. They all had experienced it, but neither of them could remember anything specific. Not even Echo herself, who learned to calculate the position all the time as a warrior.  
“Does it even matter? There is a child out here – with a wolf or not – that means there are probably more people alive and that leads me back to the bunker”, Bellamy chipped in.

Murphy let out a breathy noise that sounded like he was pissed already. Echo would never get used to that amount of sarcasm and asshole-ness. “So what are we gonna do next then, almighty leader of Arcadia-crew? Praying to the god of wolves to thank him for the help with escaping Eligius?”, he wanted to know.  
“We are going to find the bunker”, Bellamy answered seriously, not paying attention to Murphy's sarcasm.  
“We are going to survive”, Echo added and felt her instinct coming back to her. Her cold warrior side. She was not sure if that was a good or a bad thing.

 

* * *

 

Clarke reached out and stood still. She could not bring herself to move or avert her eyes. Not even for one second. The she-wolf unmistakably looked like Lexa, but why? The wolf closed the last gap between them and pressed its forehead against Clarke’s palm of hand. Its fur was thick but soft and it felt like a warm source of energy flowed from it directly into Clarke’s body. The wolf was bigger as a usual wolf but not big enough to be at Clarke’s eye level, that’s why Clarke smiled and hunkered down to be able to look it in the eyes. Green eyes. “Hey there, beautiful wolf. You remind me of somebody from my past”, she started, not even sure if that animal was capable of the human language. But something told Clarke that it was. It blinked with green eyes right back to her – in a weirdly understanding kind of way – and fawned for a short moment with its big and fluffy tail. It was a moment Clarke would not be able to describe if somebody would ask her later. She never really connected to animals at all. They were part of her paintings from time to time and she saw some of them down on earth or hunted for them… but she never felt a connection like that. Not until now.  
  
Madi walked over and carefully touched the neck fur, repeating some of Clarke’s words in Trigedasleng. “Meizen pakstoka”, the Natblida murmured, which brought Clarke back to reality. _Beautiful wolf._ She turned her head and looked at her second, not even one bit of anger from the morning was left. All she felt was relief…Relief especially about the fact that Madi was alive and here. That Madi had not obeyed her command of not going out there alone was nearly forgotten and if she wanted to talk about it, now was not the time for Clarke.  
  
“What did you mean by… she saved your life? What happened?”, she asked instead and let go of the wolf’s head to pull Madi closer into a hug. “I was worried sick, Madi. I thought these people from the big dropship caught you. I thought I lost you.” While Madi’s grip became tighter, Clarke looked over her shoulder and saw how the she-wolf sat down. It did not seem to have plans to go anywhere soon. It just stayed there and watched them reunite.  
“Well… let’s just say they nearly caught me. Without Lexa’s help I wouldn’t have been able to flee.” – “Madi, it’s not Lexa, it’s a wolf, that somehow looks like it has her warpaint as markings”, Clarke corrected and Madi shrugged. “She looks like her. Why not give her a hero’s name if that’s exactly what she is? Now let me continue, will you?” Clarke loosened her grip. Sometimes this 13 years-old was impossible. But she belong to Clarke like nobody else in this destroyed world. “Yeah sure. But it’s late. Let’s go inside the cave first.”

* * *

 

“Say that again.” – “I followed this rabbit and was about to shoot it and…” – “No. Not that part. The part with the people.” Madi seemed to enjoy the fact that she was the one who could tell Clarke an interesting story this time. But Clarke wanted to know more. Something about the people’s description from Madi brought life to some of Clarke’s memories.  
  
“It all happened very fast. Their leader was… tall and had blonde hair. He was the one who had that gun. He didn’t even ask who I was but then Lexa showed up and attacked him. She didn’t kill him though, but she made him fall down so that I had enough time to run away from them.” Clarke swallowed. Blonde hair did not fit to any boy close to her. “What about the other people who were there? What did they look like?”  
Madi looked to the cave’s entrance where the wolf still sat and watched the night sky. The little Natblida seemed to try to remember anything else. Clarke had the feeling that the wolf listened to their conversation, too. At least it looked like it had one ear turned backwards.  
“There were four girls and three boys I guess. Not including the boy who was attacked. They all looked like Skaikru – just like the other blonde boy. One of the girls had black markings on her face… I guess that used to be a sign of the outsiders.”

_Emori._

“Oh and then there was this tall girl who helped another girl out. The other girl had some problems with her leg it seems. I remember the tall one cause she looked like she was a warrior. Somehow. As if the Skaikru-clothes didn’t fit. I shivered when I looked her in the eyes ‘cause Clarke I swear, she had something very strong in her gaze! And the dark-haired one with the hurt leg was supported by her.

 _Echo. And Raven._ _The mechanic brought them all back down safely._

Clarke swallowed and turned her head to the cave’s entrance. The wolf looked right into her eyes now and blinked again. “Remember anything else, Madi?”, Clarke murmured, a bit distracted for a moment.  
“Yeah. Hold on… uhm… one of the girls was blonde. She screamed something that sounded like a ‘no, don’t’ but I’m not sure if she meant Lexa here or something else. It happened too fast.”

_Harper. Probably trying to save little Madi’s life.  
_

“I didn’t see that much of the other boys. They walked behind the girls. Not sure where they went, I just ran away from them and Lexa followed. You know the rest of the story.” Madi yawned. It had been a day full of action and tension. Now that she was save back here, Clarke was even more happy to hold her while she fell asleep at the fireplace.  
“You should rest, strikon. It’s been a long day”, Clarke whispered and Madi laid down next to her. “Do you think that Lexa will stay with us?”, Madi murmured, turning her head towards the wolf once again and Clarke caressed her face gently.  
“I don’t know, Madi. I don’t know who that wolf is but I know that Lexa promised to always stay close. Maybe she sent us some help from far away.” Madi seemed to be satisfied with that answer for now, based on the smile she had on her lips while falling asleep.  
  
_I will always be with you._  
  
Clarke stroked the little nightblood’s back until the breathing became completely regular and calm. “Thank you”, she said out of nowhere and immediately had the wolf’s attention again. “Whoever sent you must know me very well. You rescued Madi. I don’t know where I would be without her.”  
The wolf did not move and stared back at Clarke who sighed and closed her eyes. Understanding. That was what Clarke felt while talking to that animal.  
  
“I loved her, you know. I loved Lexa. No surprise that I do trust you, too.” One single tear found her way down Clarke’s cheek. One single tear in that one moment of what felt like weakness but her true self at the same time. Clarke did not realize it, but the wolf came closer while she had her eyes closed and caught the tear with its nose. It was a gentle and short touch but it made Clarke feel better. She did not even flinch at the gesture. “You’re one of a kind, wolf. I never knew wolves could be so gentle.”  
The wolf sat down next to Clarke and licked its lips. “You’re gonna protect us, right?”, Clarke asked and laid down herself. Her body touched the wolf’s pelt barely, but Clarke never felt so calm and protected in years.

...


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me long enough because my birthday was on 20th of June and I'm still sick but I finally wrote the next chapter! :)
> 
> Little warning... it is a bit sad...  
> But as you already know I added not only Clexa but also SeaMechanic / Lunaven to my tags, which means that I need to focus on Raven's loss, too, right?  
> Don't worry - the next chapter will have a bit more action again, but it is important that you know how I think about the character's inner conflicts so that you can understand all the things I might let them do or not do. 
> 
> Enjoy this shorter but deeper look on Raven's thoughts.  
> May we meet again!

**∞ Chapter 5 ∞**

 

Waking up the next morning was easier. Clarke heard the quiet breath of Madi next to her. When she got up, she turned her head to look for their new companion but the wolf was gone. The only thing left were the pawprints in the sand next to the fireplace. Clarke could not describe the feeling that hit her. It felt like this animal had filled part of the hole in her heart and now that she was gone again, it hit Clarke like… like a new death wave. The darkness returned.

  
“Did she leave us?”, Madi murmured, slowly awaking and stretching her tired small body. “Yeah, I guess she did”, Clarke answered, looked back at Madi and suppressed a sigh. “It is a wild animal, never forget that, strikon. The wolf probably didn’t understand the things we said yesterday. It is only following instincts.” The minute she said it she already knew that it was not true. Part of her knew that the wolf understood everything she said earlier. At least she wanted it to be like that.  
“What are we gonna do today, Clarke?”, Madi changed the topic and Clarke remembered the new information she got yesterday. “Those people you described… I think they are my friends from the past. Remember when I told you about Raven, Bellamy and all the others?” Madi nodded and Clarke went on. “If it is them I really want to find them.” Again the little nightblood nodded in agreement and came closer to Clarke to give her a hug.

  
It was no usual gesture at daytime. Of course Madi and Clarke were very close but usually Madi did not want to show that. The only time of the day she really needed it was nighttime. Right before she fell asleep. That Madi hugged Clarke right now meant a lot to her. Although they barely talked about Clarke’s feelings like missing her friends, Madi knew. She heard Clarke talking in her sleep a few times. She saw how Clarke went to that hill every time she thought Madi would not notice it. She knew that Clarke tried to leave messages to them. Whenever Clarke tried to hide her inner conflicts, it did not work. The little nightblood was way too sensitive for ignoring what was going on with her mentor.

  
“Then let’s go back to the place where I met them and search for footsteps. If you can’t find them, no one can, Clarke”, she said with a smile and let go of Clarke to leave the cave. It was not morning anymore but a bit of the morning fog still remained between the trees. It added a mysterious but also calm atmosphere to the scene. And there was another surprise. “Clarke! She did not leave. Lexa is right here!”, Madi shouted from outside and Clarke got up to join her with widened eyes. Indeed. The white wolf with the special black markings sat in front of the cave, watching the sun rise and it blinked back at the two humans when they appeared in the cave’s entrance. “I bet she wanted to make sure that nobody can surprise us while we are asleep”, Madi said and reached out for the she-wolf who touched her small hand with its nose for a second. That made the girl smile. “She is special”, Madi added and walked over to the small water source at the side of the cave to wash her face. Clarke still looked at the she-wolf who returned the look. “Thank you for staying”, she said quietly and could swear that the wolf gave her a small nod before it stood up and shook its pelt. “I will probably never know who sent you but you can stay as long as you want, wolfie”, she added and walked over to Madi.

 

* * *

 

“Where the hell is Echo?”, Raven asked and stopped packing her backpack for a second. It’s been a sleepless night – kinda – due to the fact that they were not comfortable on earth anymore and they had the feeling that Eligius-crew would not let them walk around here unpunished. Although they did not attack Mike themselves, they did not help to defend him either when the wolf appeared. All they wanted now was to get as far away from “the other Skypeople" as possible and – of course – to find the bunker. “She’s searching for the best way to the bunker”, Bellamy answered. “Harper’s with her.” Raven nodded and sat down on the ground for another few minutes to save herself and her leg. Monty, Emori and Murphy were a few meters away at the river to fill up the bottles with water and maybe find something to eat.  
“You okay, Raven?” For one short second Raven wanted to snap back at Bellamy, who sat down next to her now. The anger inside her rose, but she reminded herself that it was not his fault what had happened to her. That her leg was still damaged had not been a problem up there. It bothered the mechanic that it was a problem again down here. But then again she needed his words. She needed the feeling of being cared for by Bellamy, Echo and the others as much as she needed the feeling to be needed.

  
“Actually no, Bel”, she answered with a voice that came out weaker than intended. “But aren’t we all a bit confused and worried now that we’re back where we started? Back on earth?” Raven lowered her gaze and watched her hands. They were covered in dirt already due to her work on leftovers of technique she found in the morning that turned out to be completely useless in the end. It was frustrating. But was that the only reason?  
“It’s not only that”, Bellamy stated and gave her shoulder a small squeeze. “Ever since we knew we could actually come back down here I noticed that you were the only one who had more in your gaze than just excitement, worry and fear.” He looked directly at her face and could see the façade crumble even if Raven tried to keep a straight face. Her eyes had been like that since they had left the earth over 6 years ago. They had sadness in them and – longing. Something that only Raven saw. As the leader, Bellamy had the feeling of being responsible again. “Tell me, Raven.”  
Raven took a deep breath. “You can’t wait to see Octavia again. Or Clarke. You all have something… somebody to look forward to. More than just a normal acquaintance. Somebody who can’t wait to meet you again. When I left the earth to go back up there I knew that nobody down here would wait for my return. Not like that. Everyone who would have waited is gone.” – “You’re talking about Finn and Sinclair”, Bellamy asked rhetorically but Raven shook her head and looked directly back at him now. It was barely visible but her eyes were filled with silent tears that did not find their way down her cheeks. “Finn and Sinclair are long gone, Bellamy. But Luna… Luna would have waited for me. She wanted to wait. She wanted to find her way back.”

_Luna._

Raven had not mentioned her the whole time. She never had said her name. Not in front of Harper, who was the best listener, not when she had talked to Echo, who knew Luna and not even near Murphy who was the only one who had seen a bit of what had been between them. She had not been able to mention her 'cause hearing somebody talk in past tense about the warrior of Floukru would have been too much. That - of all people - Luna had been the one who had touched Raven like that had been a surprise for the mechanic, too. But what Luna had done for her was nothing Raven ever had experienced before she had met her. Luna never wanted her to be just strong and forget about the darkness. Luna had been familiar with the darkness herself and helped her to accept that it was part of her. She had told Raven that it was more important to know that everyone had both, light and darkness in them. She wanted Raven to know that it was her decision that mattered and not the people surrounding her or the place she was born into. In return Raven had taught Luna that it was not her blood that gave her a path of living but her heart. Yes, Raven had never mentioned Luna on the Arc again but the Floukru-warrior would remain in her heart forever.

 

_It's not your blood that defines you. It's your heart._

 

Bellamy gasped in surprise. “Luna? The Floukru-leader? The one who wanted everyone dead in the end at that conclave?” Raven covered her face with her hands and swallowed. There it was. The past tense. Luna was gone and it hurt. Luna had been a calm wave and her loss was the storm that drowned Raven.  
“I know how you all think about her. But she wasn’t the darkness, Bellamy. She was no villain. She was light. She deserved better." She saw that Bellamy remained sceptical but Raven would not let it happen that people remembered Luna as the villain. "She would have waited. From all the people I wanted to see when I came back she was the one I wanted to look forward to the most. But she’s gone. She’s gone and I didn’t even get the chance to say goodbye.” Raven raised her head again and stood up. “There’s nobody waiting for me, Bellamy.”

 

_I give myself... to the miracle... of the sea._


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it feels like it's been ageeees.  
> I suffer from a writer's block lately - unfortunately. That happens on and off for me.  
> But I am trying my best to be inspired again so that I can write you wonderful next chapters. :)
> 
> I think it was about time for a special reunion... the first of many in this fanfiction. There's so much more to come.  
> Enjoy.
> 
> xxx

**∞ Chapter 6 ∞**

 

_She is near. It's time. - I will always be with you. I told you that. I promised. Now come back to me._

Clarke and Madi followed the long way along the river that lead them to the place where Madi had seen Clarke's long lost friends the day before. There was no one there. "I expected them to be gone but still... disappointed", Clarke commented but the wolf stepped forward and lowered it's head. "Nou get yu daun, Clarke. Lexa helps us", Madi said, watching the wolf and put her small hand in the neckfur. Clarke sighed without making a noise. Madi put so much faith and hope in that wolf... She wanted it to be connected to Lexa so bad. Of course Clarke had kinda similar hopes and wishes but unlike Madi she knew that it was impossible. _I saw her die. I was there._ She did not want Madi to end up hurt if the wolf was not what she hoped it to be.  
"I'm not worried. Just a bit tired", Clarke answered and stopped to stabilize herself. She felt the confused look from Madi on her. "Mentally", she added to explain herself and walked on before Madi could react to her statement. "Okay then, wolf, you go first", she decided and took a deep breath.   
They continued to walk until the sun had wandered over the sky towards the west and started to set. The she-wolf lead them determined. She did not stop once - not even when they had to walk over big tree trunks, through a river or through tight bushes. From time to time the wolf turned her white head to look after Madi. It was obvious that the wolf somehow wanted to make sure that the little nightblood kept up with them. Although the animal never really looked at Clarke, the glimpse of the warpaint-like face calmed her down. It was still so familiar to Clarke that it had this effect on her. This special effect. All these years never managed to erase the memory of the noticably special warpaint the Heda had worn every time she needed to prepare for a fight. She never forgot the dark, black lines - formed like spikes - that surrounded Lexa's deep green eyes. Clarke always liked how dangerous and mysterious the look was that it gave Lexa. She never forgot the warpaint, but whenever Madi asked her to help her put it on, she said she could not remind every part and put on a similar but different warpaint on Madi's face instead. It had less spikes and included some extras Clarke added out of creativity. Lexa's warpaint was something so special to Clarke, that she did not want to see it on anybody else's face. Not even on Madi's, although she loved that child with all her heart. It was another part of Lexa she did not want to share. Somehow. 

"We've come so far. I did not know that the forest grew so fast", Madi murmured into the silence and suddenly - as if that has been a sign - the she-wolf stopped and turned it's head. At first Clarke thought that she wanted to finally let them rest but then a glimpse of a silhouette caught her attention. There were a few people, around 50 meters away at the lake's small shore. The dull sound of laughter and a sizzling fire was brought to them by the wind. Clarke smelled the smoke and immediately stretched her arm to stop Madi from going on. The wolf's eyes focused on Clarke. "Clarke, what..?" - "Shhh. Madi. Madi, wochas." She grabbed the child's shoulders and conducted Madi to stand in front of her. The child followed her words and focused on the scene that appeared in front of her. Clarke's grip on Madi's shoulders became tighter as she tried to keep calm. The little nightblood immediately knew, who they were.  
  
"Oso don hod op feva, Clarke." _We've waited long enough._

After more than 6 years of being with Madi - and only Madi - Clarke suddenly recognized how much she had missed them. Her friends. She had not been alone all the time. Having Madi around had helped her to stay sane. But seeing them now - all together at the fireplace - it changed everything. She had missed them more than she actually thought. She had missed having them around. Listening to Raven's and Monty's smart conversations. Bellamy's stubborness and the way he encouraged her to become a better leader. Harper's soft words and hell - even Murphy's sassy comments on everything. Echo and Emori surprisingly caused some feeling of familiarity, too, although Clarke had never been close to them. 

Surviving and keeping Madi save had taken all her attention over the last years. There had never been a lot of time to miss them, except the short moment every day when Clarke had tried to reach one of them via funk. There had never been an answer. Not until now. While one of her hands stayed on Madi's shoulder, the other hand reached out for the wolf. She placed her hand on it's back. 

"Taim don kom op. Taim na bants." _It's time. Let's go._ She said it as if it was easy but the feelings inside her seemed to leave her unable to move. Madi and the she-wolf took the first steps towards the fireplace and Clarke had no other possibility than to follow them.

 

* * *

 

Laughter. So loud that she could barely understand what Echo was saying next. "Hey, it is actually not that funny, guys!", Echo complained but Raven saw her mouth angle rise a bit due to amusement. "Not that funny?" Monty had just brought up the story of how he and Harper had tried to teach Echo to play chess and the way Echo had overthrown the whole chessboard after 3 minutes, shouting it was 'completely non-sense' that the figures could not move anywhere she wanted them to move and just step by step. Raven also recognized the way Bellamy checked on her every now and then since he had talked to her in the morning. 6 years and still he felt responsible for everyone. _Guess some things will never change._  
  
"It was the best thing that ever happened in all these years actually", Harper laughed and Emori shook her head. "NO. The best thing was how Echo and I tried to teach you guys how to hold a sword", she disagreed with her typical foxy smile. "And you guys held it as if it was some kind of wooden spoon." Echo pointed at her and raised her hand for a high five. They gave each other one and now Bellamy shook his head. "Didn't I overhear you two talking about the non-sense of high fives just yesterday? 'It is such a Skaikru-thing'...and now this?" Echo raised her eyebrows with a twisty grin while Emori gave him a slap on the back of his head. "Don't you dare listening to secret grounder-talk again, Bellamy Blake", Emori said and everyone started laughing again. "Ohoooo, careful Bellamy", Murphy said and pulled Emori closer for a second. 

 

"He will do whatever the hell he wants anyway, won't he?", Clarke asked. 

 

Silence. Nobody moved, nobody said anything. And then they turned their heads. Madi saw that Clarke was about to force herself to smile... and then she realized that Clarke did not need to force herself at all this time. It came of its own volition. "Surprise surprise?", her mentor added and the girl with the injured leg and the long brown ponytail was the first one who moved.   
"Clarke!", she screamed and everyone else joined. This must be Raven... right behind her Harper. Clarke. Clarke!  
  
Madi immediately stepped back to make room and felt that the she-wolf stayed right beside her. The Lexa-wolf raised her head and watched her reaction. Madi was more than happy not to be alone here. Although Clarke had told her a lot about her friends last night after she had asked for more details, Madi had never had the chance to meet them before yesterday's incident and they were somehow still complete strangers who looked a bit unfamiliar due to their Skaikru-clothes. She watched as Clarke hugged all of them and reunited with them after such a long time. Some of them got longer hugs than others. Especially the ones that Madi had identified as Raven, Harper, Monty, Murphy and Bellamy got a lot of attention while the girl with the face markings of an outsider - Emori? - and the one with the sharp facial features of an Azgeda-warrior - Echo? - were a bit more distant when they greeted Clarke. Madi barely moved and just watched when suddenly Murphy pointed at her.  
"You've got yourself a daughter and a pet, Clarke? When did that happen?", he asked and Madi did not like the undertone he had in his voice. She felt laughed at although he did not laugh. The she-wolf next to her did not move but Madi felt the erection of the fur under her hand. It seemed as if Lexa-wolf did not like the undertone either.   
  
"I'm not her daughter and this is not a pet", she snapped back at him, self-confident as always and stepped forward. Her green eyes wandered over to Clarke, unsure what to do next. It was not how she imagined it to be. She thought that it would feel like finding new friends but 'til now she just felt... left behind. What if Clarke would decide to leave her now that she had found her people again? No. Clarke would never do that. Madi strained her jaw. Would she?   
"Hey Madi. Strikon. En's ogud. So's klir." Madi took a deep breath and tried to calm down. This was Clarke. Her mentor. Her family. The only one who had cared for her the last years. The only one who had made her feel safe.  _It's okay. We're safe._ She repeated Clarke's words in her head and nodded after a while.  
"Ai laik Madi kom Trikru. Natblida." She pointed at the wolf. "Dison laik Leksa. Pakstoka-Leksa."

The Azgeda-warrior with the not fitting Skaikru-clothes stepped forward and Madi saw her smile for the first time today. It was like she had moved a lever with talking in Trigedasleng.  "Heya, strik Natblida. Ai laik Echo kom Azgeda. You should talk in english again. The others will understand you better then." The tall woman stretched her arm for the traditional grounder-greeting. Madi immediately liked her. She had this atmosphere around her that made Madi shiver - in a good way. She then grabbed Echo's arm and smiled back, just for a second, before she looked back at the group of Clarke's friends and started again, this time in english. "My name is Madi...I'm a Nightblood from Trikru. The wolf here is Lexa. That's what I call her, 'cause she reminds me of Lexa kom Trikru. She is our friend and she protects us." In the short moment of being insecure about what she had just said, Clarke gave her a little nod and came over to her. She put one hand on Madi's shoulder and squeezed it for a second. Madi saw the change in Clarke's face. It was the first time since 8 years-old Madi from the past had spoken her first fluent sentence in english that Clarke really smiled of happiness. It was somehow infectious. 

"Madi is my second. I found her a few days after the death wave came when she was around 7 years old. She is a nightblood - one that had not been found by a flamekeeper before - and that's how she survived. That's how I survived." She paused for a second to let that sink in. "She is also the little girl you saw yesterday. When she told me that she had met some Skaikru-people... and described them... I knew that it must be you guys and I - we - needed to come and find you", Clarke added and Madi sighed in relief when Clarke corrected her sentence. Clarke still saw them as a 'we'. Her mentor would not leave her behind now. They would stay together.   
  
"I guess we all have a lot to talk about now. It's been years", Bellamy said and Madi watched him with growing curiosity. She was not as curious as she was with Echo but still... He used to be Clarke's best friend and he was something like a leader for his people, too. At least that was what Madi still had in mind when it came to him. "6 years and 9 days to be exact", Raven said and Madi felt a bit scanned by her look. The smart mechanic somehow daunted her with it - like Echo - but she did not know why. 

"Join us at the fireplace", Bellamy then said and everyone sat down again. Clarke was the last one who still stood next to Madi. Her mentor touched her cheek and then also stroke the wolf's pelt. "Mochof. You found them, Leksa-pakstoka", Clarke said quietly, so that nobody but Madi and the she-wolf could hear her before she smiled once more, walked over to the fireplace and sat down next to Raven. Madi hesitated but then Echo turned her head again and gave her that welcoming look. "Mafta ai op, Leksa", she said and joined the others, sitting down in the middle of her mentor and Echo.

The she-wolf did not follow Madi's request and stayed where it was for another few minutes instead, before it laid down silently. Not even one second went by without being focused on Clarke and Madi. She watched from the shadows - like she had used to for the past years - and turned her ears back and forth for a while. The last light of the day faded and made room for the night's darkness and mysteries.

 

_It is time. She needs to find me. Come back to me._


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it FINALLY is.  
> Let's just say writer's blockade hit me like a death wave! :D  
> But at least here you have a bit more things that might confuse you or make you ask a lot of questions.
> 
> With the help of my dear friend Ree I finally figured out how to explain everything to you when the time comes.  
> Big adventures and many mysteries still lie ahead. I hope you stay!
> 
> May we meet again!  
> xxx

**∞ Chapter 7 ∞**

 

Night came, Night ended.  
Madi woke up earlier than she was used to. The sun did not rise yet, but the air was already a bit thick - the day would probably get warmer than the week before. The last night at the fireplace had been kinda exhausting. After so many years Clarke and the others had a lot more to tell each other than Madi had expected. Most of the time she just listened to all their stories. How did they survive? What happened up there? Clarke had asked so many questions but in return the others were interested in their stories, too. Although they were all very friendly, part of Madi still felt a bit... foreign. It was probably a normal feeling - due to the fact that all of them shared a past together and Madi did not - but Madi was also used to be with Clarke and only Clarke and it was a strange feeling to be surrounded by so many other people from now on.  
Without making another noise she got up and turned her head. Everyone had fallen asleep around the fire-place. Madi watched them quietly before she turned around once again. Lexa-wolf had laid down a few meters away next to a few bushes and it had rested its head on the paws. The small grounder-girl went over and sat down next to the wolf, which immediately raised its head to touch Madi's hand. "Morning", she murmured and smiled a bit, leaning her shoulder against the warm fur. "I can't sleep anymore... but hey...You need to rest, too, you know that, right? I never saw you asleep." Madi wondered if the wolf ever did anything else than watching her and Clarke or helping them. It came out of nowhere and it never really did anything else since then. She did not even see the wolf hunting or something either. "Yu ste tripi, pakstoka", she added with a grin when the wolf yawned as a response and pushed its head against Madi's right knee. It definitely thought something else... or maybe it just did not understand what Madi meant with calling it "strange".

Sometimes Madi wished that it could answer her. Tell her what to do next. Tell her why it appeared and rescued her. But it kept quiet like all the other animals of the forest. It kept quiet and so did Madi's hope to finally give something back to Clarke. She never said it but she knew exactly that she owed Clarke her life. Without her mentor she would not have been able to survive for so long. Now that the wolf appeared and brought so many memories of Lexa back, Madi had been on high hopes that she could give at least anything back to Clarke. That she could find a possibility to bring Lexa back. Something like that... She would do anything to make that happen. Madi knew that Clarke cared for her but she also knew that part of Clarke's soul died with Lexa. Whenever Madi had talked to Clarke about Lexa it had felt like Clarke had not only lost her love but also somehow a sense in her life. A motivation. Something worth fighting for.  
Now that she had her friends back, there was at least a new sparkle in Clarke's eyes but it was not the same.  
Madi closed her eyes and imagined the first time she had seen Clarke back then. It had been right after the death wave and the smell of fire, death and destruction was still so easy to remember. But still - this blonde warrior made her feel safe from the first moment on. And now everything was so much brighter. Madi took a deep breath and smelled the nature. Just like her soul the nature seemed to recover. Slowly but steadily.

"Deep in thoughts?" Madi flinched but sighed relieved when she recognized the voice of the former Azgeda-warrior. Echo. She moved a bit aside, closer to the wolf and made place for the other one. Echo sat down on her right side then, carefully. It was obvious that she was somehow curious about the strange wolf, but she did not ask any questions. Madi liked that about her. She did not have the feeling that Echo tried to find out anything Madi was not ready to share. She had talked to Echo a lot the night before - especially about the Grounder-life and living as a part of the Azgeda-clan - but Echo had never pushed her when Madi did not want to talk about a special topic. She seemed to be interested the whole time but she was never scanning her. Unlike Raven. The mechanic gave Madi a strange and mixed feeling of being scanned and watched the whole time - like a machine she would love to disassemble.  
"No. Ai trana rid ai op ba ai nou na rid op", Madi finally answered in Trigedasleng and Echo raised her brow. "Why can't you sleep?", she asked in return and Madi shrugged unsure how to explain the chaos inside her head. Echo looked over to the extinguished fireplace and the others and stayed quiet for a few seconds.  
"It must be a bit overwhelming", Echo pointed out and Madi nodded. "But probably not as overwhelming as your feelings when you went to space for the first time", the little nightblood answered. That made Echo grin for real, she let out a deep breath and stretched her arms. "Let's just say it was the most exciting thing that ever happened to me - and I was the one who used to be popular for riding horses and shooting arrows at the same time. Plus... jumping off them in the fast gallop." Madi grinned back at her and they exchanged a friendly gaze. "I would love to ride a horse one day. Who knows if that's gonna happen. Clarke said that they probably did not survive the death wave."

\- "Hey, I heard my name?" Madi turned around and got to her feet when Clarke appeared in front of them. The little nightblood had been so distracted by the atmosphere that surrounded Echo the whole time, that she barely saw that not only Clarke but also the others woke up in the meantime when they talked. "We are about to leave. You coming?", her mentor then asked and Madi nodded. "Bunkerkru ahead", Echo said and sounded a lot more serious than before. "Bunkerkru ahead", Clarke agreed and nodded.

The sun rose and started to slowly light the path that laid ahead. A small breeze found its way through the trees. Change. Madi felt it in her bones while she followed the group towards the bunker. The only thing that calmed her down was the quiet noise of the big wolfpaws right behind her. 

 

_I will watch you until the very end._

* * *

 

 "What the hell happened here?" Murphy was the first one who actually found words for what they had in front of them. What used to be a big bunker with an entrance in the ground was nothing more than tons of stones and ruins. The forest surrounding it seemed to slowly grow back over the ruins. The nature won its space back but the destruction of the once so mystical place was overwhelming. "Well... something like a death wave probably. You might have missed that while you were on the way to the restroom or something." Raven's voice oozed of sarcasm. Clarke turned away and followed Bellamy, sighing. She did not say anything but she knew that her best friend - her partner in crime - had similar thoughts. 

  
It felt like standing on a battlefield - destruction everywhere - broken things - and with that came the broken faith that Clarke felt inside. The only thing that was different was the overwhelming silence. Silence that reminded her of the loneliness, the darkness and this time there was no one there who could change that for her. With the commander gone, everything here had changed. It might not have been Lexa who made Clarke fall in love with the earth in the first place, but it was her who had made Clarke feel like being home here. Now it was all gone and the only thing left was survival.

 

_Life should be about more than just surviving. Now we just survive._

 

  
"Do you think that they are still alive?", she murmured, audible for only Bellamy as he squeezed her shoulder. "They better be, or Octavia once again did not listen to me." Clarke knew that the smile she saw on his face was forced. He was worried sick, just like her when her thoughts went on to her mum. Being so close yet so far away from the people in the bunker was more than just exhausting.   
"How about we don't fight and start trying to find the entrance that used to be there?", Harper suggested and went over to help Monty with moving away the first stones. Clarke sighed, nodded in agreement and turned her head while the others started to move the stones aside.

Madi stood a few meters away next to a big tree stomp - a familiar scene of her standing next to the wolf caught Clarke's attention. They both just stood there and watched from far away. It made the warrior shiver how close they already were and how similar. She never thought about the fact that Madi did not have a real friend the whole time. As her mentor she was there to help with problems but it was different from having a real friend. Clarke knew how important it was to have somebody that understood. "Clarke?", Bellamy asked from behind, waiting for her to help them but she just lifted her hand to cut him off. "One sec, Bellamy", she answered shortly and went over to Madi. It was a natural thing. Although she was surrounded by her friends again, being responsible for Madi was her first instinct. Both of her hands were now placed on Madi's shoulders and she gently squeezed them, like she used to do it the night before. "Chit's gon daun, strikon?"   
The confusion in the little girl's eyes combined with the scepticism was not only visible for Clarke but also worrisome, but now that Clarke spoke to her directly, Madi's strong and fierce glance was back. "Nothing. I'm good. Lexa and I just wondered if they are really down there. Under the earth... Bunkerkru I mean." The girl stretched her arm and gently touched the bark of a tree which was close. - "Probably." - "What do you mean by that?", Madi asked and adjusted her hat. Clarke sighed and changed a look with the wolf. Silence. Silence everywhere. Bunkerkru had been silent ever since they had locked themselves there.  
"We don't know if they survived. I mean if they did... why didn't they try to leave when the time came?" With these words Clarke halfheartedly pulled on one of the braided strands of Madi's hair. She did not say anything else and Madi did not answer her.  
Madi knew that her mentor always pretended to be so strong - she had been like that all those years - but when it came down to it she missed the lost ones. She missed her mum, who could be still alive; the friends that could still be down there... and of course Lexa. Madi knew and after all this time she had learned to see it in the way Clarke looked at the trees, the nightsky - how she closed her eyes when the wind gently touched the treetops - and now the pain that overshadowed her bright eyes. The ruins of what used to be the bunker. Her hope. 

"Clarke! Look!"

"You stay here, Madi." Clarke saw the protest in the little Natblida's eyes but did not let that happen now. "Do as I say." While the wolf suddenly seemed to be interested in something far away, Madi watched while her mentor turned around and ran back to see what they had discovered.   
"What do you think, Lexa? What did they find, hm?", Madi asked and sat down, but once again the only thing she got in return was silence. "..."

 

* * *

 

"There is nothing here." - "Thanks for pointing that out, Murphy, but just to make that sure, Raven has a hurt leg and is not blind", Echo answered and turned around. She was probably upset. Clarke just arrived at the entrance and climbed down the small ladder when she heard the sharp tone. After all this time Echo had expected to be with her clanmates again. With her real ones. Azgeda. Clarke was pretty sure that she still felt deeply connected to them. It had always been something that defined Echo - her loyality to her clan. She might be part of the smaller version of Skaikru-survivors now but she was still a proud Azgeda deep down her soul. Clarke had known it ever since she saw Echo talk to Madi when they all reunited. 

It had been over 6 years since Clarke had been here for the last time but it did not change. She had expected everything. She had been prepared for everything. And now...  
  
"They are gone", Monty repeated unnecessarily, because Clarke saw it already. The underground bunker was completely empty. Unlike it's upper side it was not destroyed, just left behind and untouched. As if nobody had ever been here before. Its black and huge walls with the small stairs on the side made her feel uncomfortable and caught. It felt like a stony cell, no way to escape. The air down here had always been sticky but right now it seemed to be even harder to stay underground. Clarke had now idea how they managed to survive here for years. If they survived, she reminded herself with a sigh. They did not leave the traces of having lived here for years. With Bellamy and Raven by her side she went deeper inside and turned her head. Just one sign. One sign that said that they were fine. That they would meet again. One sign of them being alive... but there was nothing left. Why did they not think about leaving a sign? Had they felt so sure of the fact that their small group of friends had died by trying to go up into space? Why else would they decide to leave them here without a message?   
When Clarke turned her head she saw that Bellamy still seemed to be kinda petrified. He had thought that Octavia would be here waiting for him and now she was gone. Everyone was gone as if they had never been here in the first place. She was about to say something but...

  
A loud growl followed by a scream set Clarke's teeth on edge. 

 

"NO! Klir ai of! Leksa! Not her, please don't kill her! BEJA! Klir ai of! Nooo!" 

 

 Madi. Madi! Danger. Death. Losing her. It did not even take the Wanheda one second to overthink the situation. Out here it was being fast or being killed. If you played the game of survival you had to be quicker than death. There was nothing in between, no middle way. "Clarke, wait!" She did not listen to them. She did not care what they wanted to say or what the plan was... whoever was out there with her little nightblood was about to hurt Madi - or worse - and Clarke would definitely not let that happen. Madi was everything, Madi was her reason to live and move on. Her responsibility. She felt the blood running through her veins, her adrenaline was possibly everywhere. Good thing that she never let her weapon behind. _It was a trap. They watched from the very first second on. But... who? The other Skypeople?_ Her thoughts went on and on while she climbed the ladder and came back outside. Out of the corner of her eye she saw that Echo was the first one who had followed her and right behind her Bellamy.   
The area surrounding the bunker was a thick forest that had many hidden places. Many possibilities to stay unseen. 

  
  
_It was a trap._

The realization hit her like a death wave. It sink in and covered her heart with shadows. It left nothing but pure anger towards the people who caused this horror in Madi's voice. Had she been too careless? After all these years of being a survivor? As Clarke finally moved around to see the enemies faces, they turned out to be a group of warriors with dark warpaint, all of them reminded Clarke of Lexa's Trikru-warriors of the past. One of them held Madi down while the other one had knocked the wolf down, which now layed on the ground unconsciously. The light of the sun that barely made it through the thick treecrowns dyed the glare in a bright light and made the wolf's light fur shimmer. Clarke somehow seemed to take strength from that, narrowed her eyes and was about to lift her weapon, focusing on the warrior who had Madi in his arms. "Let her go or I'll shoot." The time of talking peacefully had been over the second they had dared to touch Madi. Unfortunately they seemed to be prepared for that. 

  
"We cannot let that happen", one of the warriors answered with a harsh accent, before he and his companions overpowered Clarke and her friends. Not even Echo had the chance to react before they were all captured and held down. "The commander wants you all alive."

 

_So close yet so far away. Ste yuj. Hurry up._


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this feels like I give a lot of myself to you - my readers.  
> Keep reading if you like this story and please leave me a few comments so that I know you're still here.  
> I love every single one of you who reads the story and likes the way I change the characters' paths.
> 
> I promise: There is so much more to come.  
> Wait for it. The next chapter - if I can write it the way I planned it - will probably be one of my favorites.
> 
> xxx  
> May we meet again!

**∞ Chapter 8 ∞**

 

It had been hours since Clarke last saw the light of the day. After the unknown warriors had took her and her friends to the one that called himself or herself the new commander, she did not really expect to get out of here any time soon. Madi sat just a short distance away and held the wolf in her arms. It was still out of conscience, but its breathing was normal again and it did not seem to be hurt. Clarke slowly went over to them and touched the wolf's head with her hand. She stroked the pelt and finally let her hand rest on the forehead. "Give her time, Madi", she murmured and it was so weird to fill the silence with her words. Now that she had spoken up, Clarke felt how quiet it had been before. Nobody was really sure what to think or what to do anymore. It had been too long to say for sure how late it was right now. They had all lost their feeling for the time. This cell was a short room under earth and it made them feel captured even more due to the tons of earth that was over them. The air smelled like the earth - but not the beautiful and fresh earth. More like a rotten, burned and lost part of it.

  
"So, that's it then?", Emori asked and the others seemed to leave their frozen state for one second. Echo stood up and pushed her fist against on wall. Her growing tension was present and Clarke was already afraid that she might lose it soon. "I want them to bring me to the commander. I want to show them what it's like to capture an Azgeda like that. What the hell do they want from us? Who is the commander they are talking about?"  
Clarke wondered that, too. A commander like that? It seemed to be somebody so much more cruel and harsh than Lexa was. Although Lexa always seemed to not care, to be very cold and ruthless, Clarke knew better than that. Clarke knew that she was not that cold. She knew that being commander was not easy but making peace had been Lexa's legacy. This commander seemed so different.  
"We can't force them to do anything", Clarke started but sighed and leaned back before she said anything else. Her eyes wandered off and then to Madi again. Why did that always happen? Whenever she tried to keep somebody safe, it failed sooner or later. At first her people. She could not safe everyone. So many of them died and Clarke was haunted by it. Wells. Finn. And of course - Lexa. She lost so many along the way but her heart was still ripped apart by the one she could never really say goodbye to. Maybe she did but her heart and her soul have never been able to get away from her. Never. Her gaze was on the wolf again. She carefully stroked over the part of the fur that looked like it was Lexa's warpaint. Even if she knew better than that she could not help herself. She thought about Lexa... how rough the warpaint on her soft skin felt like when Clarke had touched it in the city of light... As if the warpaint portrayed the harsh and cold behavior of the Heda but never the soft and pure soul that laid under it.  
The moment Clarke saw the wolf for the first time it gave her hope. Maybe there is a possibility to find her again. Maybe all this had a reason... but after 6 years?  
No. She could not let that happen. She had to focus.

 

_The dead are gone, Clarke. The living are hungry._

 

Was that not what Lexa had told her a long time ago? _The living are hungry._ She turned around and saw how Bellamy, who had sat on her right before, moved a bit and pulled his legs closer to his body. For Clarke it was weird to see especially him so quiet but she had the feeling that she knew why he was like that. In the next second he proved her right.

"It could still be her, you know." Her. Octavia. Clarke swallowed and closed her eyes. It was true that it was not impossible but it was probably more than unlikely. "It's not her style", Harper said but Bellamy stood up and tore his hair. "People change, Harper", he stopped her and grabbed the iron rods of the prison cell's door in front of him. "Time always leaves marks."   
  
In that moment the wolf slowly started to move again and it immediately tried to come to its paws. Clarke sighed in a nearly not audible way. Relieve. She was relieved that Lexa - no - the wolf was safe. For now. If their current situation could be called safe at all. Madi touched the wolf and talked quietly to it while the others came back to the silence.  
"Clarke?" She turned her head towards the little nightblood. "Hm?" - "It's not your fault that we're here. You did everything to keep me and Lexa... I mean the pakstoka safe." Clarke felt how her heart sank with the second she realized what the girl had said to her. Of all these people here in the prison cell Madi might be the youngest but she was definitely the most sensitive of them all. She knew everything that was going on. She knew Clarke... most importantly she probably just knew how to read her after all these years. Clarke felt guilty for bringing them to the bunker just to find nothing and be captured there now. The wolf lifted its head and looked into her direction as if it fully agreed with Madi. The green eyes were full of understanding - just like Lexa's eyes had been back then. 

  
"I wish I could have left you out of this", Clarke answered Madi quietly and touched her cheek again. Being with only Madi the whole time had created such a strong bond between them that Clarke finally knew why Bellamy was so overly protective with his younger sister. It felt like if something happened to Madi, Clarke would not know how to go on with her life anymore. The little Natblida had part of her now, similar to Lexa but in a different way. Part of her that would leave a big hole if she would be gone. The wolf touched the palm of her hand with its nose and sat up. Clarke saw how the others focused on the scene that was going on, but nobody seemed to know the right words. Nobody agreed to Madi but nobody disagreed either. Then suddenly the wolf started to growl, just for one second and jumped up. It seemed to have all his powers again - or it was just the adrenaline it felt because it wanted to protect Madi. At least it placed itself in front of the small girl and watched the prison cell's door as it opened now. 

  
"Heda wants to see you", a grounder from outside said with a harsh accent again. It was a female voice that had something familiar. Something Clarke remembered from long ago. All the time had faded what was left of her memories. Her thoughts went back to the moment she heard the voice for the first time. It had been in that tent. It did not feel like something from years ago - more like something from a life that had ended. A Clarke that was no longer part of her. The blonde woman stepped forward and narrowed her eyes.

"Indra?"

The female grounder who had spoken before, turned around and looked at the people in the prison cell now. Her dark brown eyes widened. Clarke gasped and returned the look. Over 6 years had passed but Clarke had seen her so often at Lexa's side that she knew it immediately. Her eyes did not fool her this time. It was Indra. The one who had lead the army, the one who had stood beside Lexa and trained Octavia to be a strong warrior... the one warrior who had given Skaikru many more chances than they had deserved. Clarke saw how she turned around once more.

"Heda! Miya snap!", she shouted and Clarke understood. _Commander. Come quickly._ She told the commander to come see what they had found, which gave Clarke the confirmation. They had been recognized. Right after her call, Indra turned around to Clarke again. "Move back, Clarke of the Skypeople."

Clarke could not help herself. She knew that it was impossible. She knew it had been years and years without any sign of Lexa. She knew that she had seen her die all these years ago. But even with all this logic, with all the knowledge she had, part of her hoped for Lexa to follow the call of Indra. Part of her tried to bring all the faded pieces back together again. All the faded memories that were left of the one woman who really had had the strength to rule a thousand suns but instead had chosen to bow before a single star. 

_The commander bows to no one._

Right. The commander would never bow to anyone.

_I swear fealty to you._

The commander would never. But Lexa would. Lexa did. Lexa had bowed to Clarke. 

 

It was the last thing she thought before she heard the steps on the stairs that led down to the cell. Clarke closed her eyes. If only her imagination would become the truth. If only her light would come back to her already. In that moment she felt two things at the same time coming to her out of nowhere. A warmth on her right. Small, warm fingers grabbed Clarke's cold ones and gave her the stability she needed. Another touch on her left. The second time a cold and wet nose. The wolf barely touched the palm of her hand but it was there. Clarke was not alone.   
  
_Ste yuj._

Her eyes wandered down to the wolf before she closed them. Safety. That was the feeling she had felt all those years. No matter what laid in front of them, she was not afraid anymore.  
"You will protect your people, right? That's why you're you." Again her voice seemed to be the only thing that filled the quiet prison cell although the steps on the stairs were louder than a scream. The animal did not move or answer. It never did, but this time Madi answered instead. "A wolf never leaves the pack behind, Clarke", she murmured and squeezed her mentor's fingers.

_Hold onto hope if you got it._

  
When Clarke opened her eyes again, the commander left the shadows. The last thing Clarke heard was Bellamy's gasp right behind her. 

* * *

   
"O!" Bellamy jumped towards the door but the guards held him off. "Octavia!" He fought hard but they did not let him go. Not yet. Not until - "Let him go." Octavia's voice sounded so far away yet familiar as she stepped forward and entered the cell, but it let Clarke's heart sink once more. Just one small glimpse of hope had been part of her. She still had hoped to see Lexa, after all this time. After everything she had seen. The city of light... what if Lexa had survived all this? Somehow? Madi's small hand squeezed her's once more and her thoughts came back to reality. First Indra and now Octavia. They had survived. Everything they had worked for had paid off. The humanity had survived. The clans had survived. Lexa's people - most of them - were still here. They would always be Lexa's people.

"Bellamy." There she was. The second Octavia closed the gap between her and her brother, she stepped into the light of the torches and Clarke got a better view on her. Although her facial expressions seemed to be even harder than before - if that was possible - Clarke was happy to see that she seemed to be healthy and fit as always. One by one Octavia greeted them and finally came to Clarke in the end. Clarke's mouth angle rose for a short second and so did Octavia's. They stared at each other. Clarke noticed the way she dressed now. She looked like a commander - no doubts on that - her clothes, her appearance, her harsh way to speak and act... but above all she wore the commander's headpiece.  
  
  
_You wear it every day? I mean why? It does not bother you? - No, Clarke. It is the commander's sign... like a crown, you know? It symbolizes my rank._  

She could not help but dislike the way she felt about Octavia being the new commander. On the one hand she knew that Octavia deserved it. Octavia had fought hard, she won the conclave and went back to the bunker to reunite all the clans. One kru. She had acted like somebody that tried to create piece. Maybe some of her actions had even honored Lexa's alliance... But on the other hand nobody who wore these clothes, that headpiece... that rank... nobody fit in the way Lexa did. Not for Clarke. Still Clarke reached out for Octavia and nodded. "You did it." Octavia - being a very sensitive human being herself - replied with a knowing nod and took Clarke's arm for the traditional grounder's greeting. "We all did it. We survived."   
Both of them knew that it would never feel like more than surviving. Both of them had lost their true loves, their motivation, their true and big reason to fight harder for piece and survival.   
"And who are you?" Octavia watched the child with growing curiosity but she also saw the sceptical undertone when it came to the wolf that had changed its location while the other ones had reunited. It stood closer to Madi than before and narrowed its eyes, focusing on Octavia's face.   
"I'm Madi kom Trikru. This one... the wolf.." Clarke saw how the litte Natblida hesitated and placed one hand on the wolf's back. "She's my friend", she simply answered then and Clarke wondered how Madi - the young 13-years-old - managed to understand exactly which things should not be said in some conversations.   
Octavia seemed to not recognize the hesitation but nodded now and turned around to her guards who - now that Clarke paid more attention to them - seemed to focus on Echo and Emori more than the others. The trust thing still seemed to be a big problem. Clarke knew where it came from. 

"Nou get yu daun. Ogeda hukop ste ifi", Octavia said and Clarke heard how Echo whispered a translation for Harper who stood closest to the former Azgeda-warrior. "She told her guards not to worry. All alliances are risky." Echo snorted and Clarke's inner tension grew more and more. Careful. "She better let us out now or she'll have to worry", Echo went on and Clarke tensed her jaw-muscle.  
If Octavia heard that, she did not pay attention and focused on Bellamy and Clarke herself instead.  
"Follow me upstairs. You are no prisoners of Onekru."

* * *

 

 

The reunion with all the others from the Bunkerkru - how Madi still called them behind their back - was full of people Madi knew from Clarke's stories. Now that Octavia - who was Heda and therefore had Madi's respect - let them go, Madi was very curious to see what had happened to Bunkerkru - and of course she was not the only one. "New Skaikru" wanted to know everything, too. There were a lot of stories about that... How they waited five years and a few days before they opened the door... or tried, because there was a blockade... How those 5 years down there had changed some peoples' whole life... How they had tried everything to distract themselves from the fact that they could not leave before the 5 years were over... and how they built up this whole new grounder-village in the middle of a valley Clarke and Madi had never seen before. Madi watched when they guided Clarke and the others around. She even recognized how much she started to like the valley, which was overgrown with plants and had a great, clear river that flew right back into a big lake.  
  
  
While she watched, Clarke talked to all those people and let them tell the stories. The little Natblida needed a lot of patience with the people. Most of them asked who she was and why she was with Clarke. Madi tried to stay friendly and told them her name and that the wolf was her friend, just that. She did not know why she changed the way she talked about the wolf. Something told her that it was better not to mention Lexa's name in front of the others. With Clarke - yes - that was different. And she had mentioned it in front of the new Skaikru - Bellamy and the others - too, but she did not want to do that anymore. The most touching moment was the one where Madi met Abby - Clarke's mum. Although Abby did not know Madi at all, she pulled her into a warm hug and thanked her for being with Clarke the whole time. Madi did not know how to react to all that. The great healer of Skaikru thanked her for something Madi herself was more than thankful for. She did not feel like having done everything - she felt like she had received from Clarke the whole time.  
  


Anyways - wherever Clarke went, Madi followed her mentor and the wolf followed Madi. But at some point the little girl needed more space and went to the riverside to keep her distance for a few moments. She needed to hear her own thoughts again, like she used to when she was alone with Clarke and the wolf. Madi sat down and leaned her back against one of the big trees that gave her a little shadow spot in the sunset. At first Madi just stayed there and watched how her Leksa-pakstoka went through the shallow lake-water but then she stood up and joined the white animal with the special black fur-markings, walking into the water until her legs were covered in it until she stood in the kneehigh waves herself. Madi exchanged a look with the wolf before she sighed quietly and stretched out both arms while closing her eyes and facing the sunset. "Do you think that Lexa can see us from here?", she asked nobody in particular because she knew that the wolf would not answer her. Madi stayed in that position before she folded her arms again and faced the wolf. "You have her warpaint, you know. I wish I knew more about you." The wolf cocked its head and turned its ears into Madi's direction. "If only you could help me out..."  
  


"I think I might be able to help you out, Natblida. Go get Clarke and I will tell you an old story nobody but me still remembers. The story of the keryon kom Heda."   
_The commander's spirit?_ Madi watched the woman with the dark skin and the brown big eyes closely as she nodded once more. "Wich ai in. You wanna hear that. The wolf should come, too." She focused on the wolf again and seemed to scan it - similar to the facial expression Raven had had in the beginning when looking at Madi. At some point of this conversation, Madi had recognized that the woman's interest was not on Madi herself, but on the animal that stood next to her in the water. More than any other woman or man Madi had met today, this woman seemed to be amazed by Leksa-pakstoka's appearance here. She even smiled now, never losing the catching sparkle in her eyes. "I am Gaia by the way. Gaia kom Trikru. Las fleimkepa."  
  
_Gaia. The last flamekeeper._ Madi nodded and watched her walk away as the sun touched the horizon's line for the last time this evening before it disappeared fully and made place for the moon.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for letting you all wait so long...  
> But this chapter is just so full of feelings that it took me a while.  
> It was actually planned for a very long time but I just wanted to get this right.  
> It's an important part of explaining the story so there you go <3
> 
> Enjoy and may we meet again!
> 
> xxx

**∞ Chapter 9 ∞**

The fireplace painted red colors on the trees around it and seemed to drown the shadows of the night as Clarke and Madi walked towards it - side by side - to join Gaia there. The moment Clarke saw her again, she felt as if there was something more about what was to come. Her gaze searched for the wolf and she saw it on Madi's other side. It did not return the look, but Clarke swallowed and surpressed her mixed feelings, putting on the hard mask she had had for years now. "Gaia." - "I'm glad you came, Clarke kom Skaikru. Madi kom Trikru. And... of course the wolf."

_I'm glad you came. - Me too._

Clarke wanted to turn around and leave. This was already too much. Even if Clarke did not know exactly why Gaia wanted to talk to her and Madi, she knew that what Gaia was about to tell her would change everything. It was just a small feeling she felt inside her. It was like a natural instinct she could not get rid off. Every bone, every cell - Clarke knew it and she was afraid. She was afraid to hear things that would change everything. As one of the flamekeepers Gaia knew what the flame was about and Clarke felt like Gaia was the only one left who still truly believed in it, like she did. Believed in the commander's spirit. It was Clarke's only hope.

_It's Lexa. Part of her is still in there.  
_

Again her gaze searched for the wolf and this time she got an answer. The animal blinked twice and its deep green eyes caused a shiver. Stay. You can choose to stay on this side. Stay and listen. Give it a chance. Clarke lost herself in the memory of how Lexa had looked at her all those years ago. Their last few moments together. There was no mistrust, nothing other than the deep love and affection... and the knowledge of always finding a way back to each other.   
Madi squeezed Clarke's hand and let go of it then to sit down near Gaia. She had the curiosity of a child in her eyes but also something that went a bit deeper than that. A wisdom that was more than the one a child should have at that age. "Correction. Clarke kom Trikru. We would want to be in the same clan nowadays." As Madi looked back at Clarke and gave her a small smile, Clarke went to join her at the fireplace and watched Gaia with growing tension. Gaia just gave the child a small nod and hesitated for a second too long in Clarke's opinion, before she said: "Of course. Apologies, little Natblida." 

The wolf then moved, too, and surprisingly found its place on Clarke's other side and not next to Madi as it used to do it lately. It sat down and watched Gaia closely, the ears were moving back and forth. As if it was waiting for something more that did not happen yet. Clarke raised her hand and softly touched the wolf's pelt for a short moment before she faced Gaia again.  
"So? Madi told me you can tell us more about the wolf. Then go for it."

"Everything at its time, Wanheda." Wanheda. Was that still her name? Her title? She did not hear that for years. The only time she had mentioned it lately was with Madi when she told her the stories of how Heda and Wanheda started to work together to bring back the peace. Wanheda... so many things were connected to it. She swallowed again and looked up, now realizing that she had dropped her gaze before when the title was mentioned. Why?   
For one simple reason... She got the title because of all the people she had killed. It was nothing she was proud of... then again - it was the powerful title that had led her back to the Heda. Back to Lexa. Clarke focused on Gaia and she knew that the flamekeeper was still hesitating because of what had happened back then with Clarke wanting to become the commander. She probably thought that Clarke had done it for the power but honestly? Clarke never had wanted any of that. All she ever wanted was to create peace and if the title could have helped her she would have accepted it. She would have wanted to fulfill Lexa's legacy. Fulfilling it and then being able to leave all that behind her to start a new life with Lexa. Lexa had been part of all the plans and then one single moment was enough to change everything. 

Falling apart was a feeling Clarke had known for a while but this could not compare. Losing your soulmate. Losing everything you had. Her everything, her light. All she had ever wanted. Seeing everything falling apart after that. Lexa had meant the world to Clarke. She still meant the world, after all this time. 

_Maybe some day you and I will owe nothing more to our people._

Lost. The "maybe some day" never came.  
"I've been wanting to tell you an old legend - an old tale about the keryon kom Heda", Gaia said and Clarke realized that she had been waiting for Clarke to bring her thoughts back into an order before going on with the story. Clarke cleared her throat and forced herself to put on a cold facial expression again. "The commander's spirit", she answered to show that she had understood and Gaia nodded before she looked at the wolf once more and then back to Clarke and Madi.

"Back in the time of the first commanders, being a flamekeeper was different than it is today. Being a flamekeeper was... something deeper. The way Titus probably protected Lexa - it was like that but a hundred times stronger. Being a flamekeeper was... giving your life without hesitating, if needed. The first commanders had to be very careful with their lives. Before the alliance, everything was a lot darker. There was something they had to do about it. There was something they needed to do to protect the commander's spirit." Gaia's voice had something really calm but at the same time it created pictures in Clarke's head. It felt like she had been there. "Actually they did not need to create something new. Something that protected the spirit - next to the flamekeeper - had always been there."

"Like what? Did they have a secret weapon, or...?", Madi asked with growing curiosity but Gaia just shook her head. "No. It was nothing you could see, Natblida. It was something you felt inside."  
She changed her seating position and faced Clarke again. "No commander is allowed to talk about it, because it is the most secretive thing they have when Ascension Day comes. I know you were close to her but it does not surprise me to see the growing confusion in your eyes. She had no permission to tell you. Even Lexa knew it would have been wrong to share this."

And then suddenly it was enough. Clarke felt the big hole inside her breast, the big nothing Lexa had left when she died. She was not ready for this. "You didn't know her like I did. You have no right to talk about her like that", she spit out and jumped up. "You didn't know her", she repeated and got angrier with every second she looked at the woman in front of her. Gaia was so calm that it made Clarke even more angry. How could she possibly know what Lexa had shared with Clarke and what not? Everyone just saw the commander here but Clarke saw Lexa. Clarke saw the beautiful soul behind it and the way they had shared things had been so special that no one would ever be able to understand it. "Clarke, what...?", Madi asked, completely confused but all she could feel right now was the anger... and disappointment. Was Gaia right? Were there still things she did not know about Lexa? After all those years it sometimes felt like she did not know anything anymore... then again somebody mentioned just one thing and... it all came back to her. She was about to run away but then...

...The wolf barked. Except of howling and growling it had never done this before. Never. Clarke hesitated, let her shoulders sink and turned around to face it. The white wolf with the black markings. The animal that caused the most confusing flashbacks and dreams for her since the day she had seen it for the first time. The one animal that had raised her hope ever since that day, too. In the meantime Gaia had stood up, too, and looked like she was searching for something in the small pockets of her clothes. Clarke was not in the mood to listen anymore. She was surprised herself to lose her control like that - especially because she had never been like this. She could not even remember the time when she used to decide with her heart and not her head. Clarke knew better now, didn't she? Her blue eyes focused on the wolf, but the animal's green eyes were focused on something else. Gaia. "Clarke." Madi tried to get her attention back but this time Clarke just raised her head and faced Gaia. And there it was. The small glow in Gaia's hand. Small and silver it laid there with the blue sacred symbol in the middle. The small chip Clarke had vowed to protect with her life. The flame. The commander's spirit. 

The anger that had taken over all her body just a few seconds ago was forgotten. Her gaze softened as she stepped forward and reached out for the small object. It had been a long time since she had seen it but realizing it was still safe made her shiver. Gaia carefully placed it in Clarke's hand. Reaching out for it had happened automatically until the moment she felt it touching her palm. With her lips she formed Lexa's name and closed her eyes while something else - something soft and gentle - touched her other hand. The wolf had joined her and focused on her hand now, blinking calmly at her.   
  
"Will you listen to me now, Clarke?", Gaia said and Clarke swallowed, nodding, before she sat down, the wolf even closer to her this time. Her gaze did not leave the small object once. It was as if something had changed now that she knew it was still here. Still ...alive. If that was the right word for it. Madi stayed on the other side of the fireplace, realizing that Clarke needed that moment for her own... and to clear things up a bit. Inside her... and with everything that was going on. 

"Something needed to protect the spirit." Gaia walked around the fireplace and her eyes were looking right into the flames as she took a seat in the middle of the tree trunk. The flamekeeper hesitated again before she came back to telling the story: "The legend tells us that every commander is connected to a certain animal. On Ascension Day - when the keryon kom Heda, the commander's spirit - finds the next commander, the animal reveals itself to the commander, in his or her dreams. It can be every animal you can imagine. A bear, a deer, a hawk, a fox, ...a wolf."   
Clarke closed the palm of her hand around the chip and put the other hand in the wolf's pelt, gently stroking its neck. While she did that, the wolf placed its head in Clarke's lap and she could not help herself but smile as the wolf's nose touched her fist in which she held the small object. The appearance of it meant more to her than she had thought.   
"This special animal is connected to the commander. Titus used to call it the _bis kom keryon_. - I think you Skypeople might call it spirit animal." 

Clarke felt the wolf's gaze on her while she stopped stroking its neck to touch the infinity-symbol of the chip once again. She concentrated on it and closed her eyes. This was the small object that had lead her to Lexa last time. The city of light was destroyed... but nobody knew if there was another possibility to see her again, right? She nearly felt Lexa's embrace. Her voice... it was as if it was clearer again. As if Clarke was finally able to remember it. All this time had washed her memories away - most of them - but they were never really gone. Not all of them. Lexa's spirit was still part of the chip, wasn't it? The wolf's head still rested in Clarke's lap. Lexa... The spirit animal... Clarke was so deep in thoughts that she did not realize Madi walking over to look closer at the small object in her mentor's hand. 

It was so quiet. More quiet than ever before. As if the forest held its breath to listen to Gaia's story. "The _bis kom keryon_ never revealed itself. Very old notes of the flamekeepers tell us that the animal always stood for the character traits that mostly described the Heda. Free, self-confident, a bit tempered - for example - could be a hawk. Something like that... Only the commander and the flamekeepers closest to the commander knew which animal was chosen to protect. Which animal was connected the most."  
  
"And if nobody never knew about this... why did they exist at all? What was their task?", Madi asked and brought Clarke back to reality. The little Nightblood walked around the fire and impatiently poked the ashes with a long stick. Clarke raised her head again to see Gaia's reaction, but it was minimized to a small somehow siamese smile in the corner of her mouth before she gave Madi a nod. "You keep asking very good questions, Natblida. Your mentor taught you well." Was there an undertone? Clarke strengthened her jaw muscle but before she could say anything, Gaia went on.    
  
" _Keryon kom Heda_ is wandering from one Heda to the next. It is infinite. It never dies. When the commander's life ends, the spirit lives on - in the next. The _bis kom keryon_ has the task to make sure that this happens. That the spirit moves on", the flamekeeper explained with a calm voice and Clarke felt her gaze wandering off again. "A long time ago there used to be a flamekeeper who brought shadows to the legacy of all flamekeepers. Devlon kom Ingranronakru - the plains riders. He wanted the power of _keryon kom Heda_ itself and betrayed his Heda - the strong Amalda kom Ouskejonkru - to steal it. He gave Amalda a drink that made her lose her conscience before he cut the flame out of her."

It was obvious that Gaia felt nothing but disgust when she thought about what he had done back then. Her voice was cold, her eyes narrowed. "It is said that later that night, Devlon was found dead, killed by an animal attack before he could flee with the flame. His body was full of wounds caused by a big bird's spout. The flame was laying next to his dead body, the attacker was nowhere to be found." Again she had this self-satisfied gaze and the siamese smile on her lips. "You can guess which animal Amalda's _bis kom keryon_ was?" She paused and let that sink in, before she said: "It was an eagle."  
  
Clarke closed her fist one more time and returned Gaia's gaze. "And how does that work? How does the spirit animal suddenly...come to life?"   
That there was much more to the world here than Clarke had thought was obvious. The traditions of the grounders had more background than all of Skaikru's traditions combined - probably - and still this whole story sounded so unrealistic that it was really hard to just believe it. It could easily just be an old fairytale they used to tell their children. Like all those little fairytales her own mother had told her back then when she was not able to fall asleep on the Arc.   
"We don't know. Oral tradition is all we have except the very rare notes... It is said that Amalda kom Ouskejonkru did not remember anything from that night. The only thing they found was a big eagle-feather next to her bed."

Madi sat down on Clarke's other side and put one hand on Clarke's, which was still on the wolf's neck fur. Clarke looked at the little girl and saw that she was smiling. She knew what Madi was about to say. It came to her own mind while she listened to Gaia, but hearing it said out loud was different. It made it more real. "Maybe she is Lexa. Maybe Lexa turned into a wolf."


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My lovely readers,  
> I hope that my chapters are worth the long wait for you.  
> I just wanted to make sure that you guys know how much I appreciate everyone who reads it.  
> Everyone who leaves a comment and the quiet readers...the ones that were here since day 1 and the ones that just today found the story... I am so thankful for all of you!
> 
> May we meet again!  
> xxx

**∞ Chapter 10 ∞**

"No", Clarke said and shook her head. "That is not possible. This is just an old tale they made up for children. It's not real Madi." It was definitely what she told them but a huge part of Clarke knew that there was something more to it than she admitted now. She slowly pushed the wolf aside but got a glimpse of its faithful gaze. The green eyes and the warpaint. The memories. The warmth she felt whenever she went back to those moments...

Madi started to move and stood up, kicking a stone into the fireplace. She pulled her hat from her head and threw it aside, touching her braided strains of hair as if she desperately tried to calm down or find the right words. To see the little girl like that made Clarke nervous. Uncomfortable even and Madi knew it the second she looked back at Clarke. "Then how do you explain this? I've never met Lexa but you told me so much about her! I've seen your drawings, Clarke. I know that this wolf has her warpaint as its markings and even the tattoo is there, on its leg. How is that possible? If you ask me there is more to all this. You are just too afraid to reach out for the hope. I know how the people here looked at Leksa-pakstoka. Even they saw the warpaint. It was Lexa's. Nobody ever wore it like her, out of respect. Nobody. Not even the new commander did it. And now Gaia tells us all this. Just because she wanted to tell us an old tale? Even you know that Gaia would not waste her time if she would not believe it. Everyone sees more except you. This could be your solution." Madi turned around once more and kneed down in front of the wolf, looking directly into its deep green eyes before she looked back at Clarke who stared down on the chip in her hand again.  
   
"Clarke... I know that all those years you tried to keep the pain away from me. To not let me see what was going on with you. You thought I was asleep when you cried for Lexa."  
With those words the little nightblood managed to get Clarke's attention again. "But I was not asleep, Clarke. I know how hard that is for you. Why don't you wanna give it a chance? Why don't you wanna risk it? For her?" Madi raised her hand and pointed at the wolf. "Think about it. Please. I can't see you suffer anymore."   
  
Suffer... Clarke looked at her and tightened the grip around the commander's spirit a bit more. Loss. What if Madi was right? What if a bit of hope was justified after all this time? Clarke had found Lexa once in the City of Light. Who said that she would not be able to do it a second time? Who could tell her for sure that the City of Light or all those things were really destroyed? Nobody could give her an answer. Nobody knew for sure... not even Raven, right? 

* * *

 

"Raven?" The mechanic looked up and found herself in the rare presence of Madi, the young nightblood that never left Clarke's side and had not spoken to her much since they met for the first time. It was as if the young girl was a bit scared of her while she was super calm around Echo and the other more intimidating people. She stopped working on the machine she had in front of her and that had been her task for the last two hours to focus on the girl a bit more. "At your service, nightblood", she answered and wiped away a few strains of her hair that fell out of her ponytail. Now that she actually looked at Madi, Raven realized how worried the child looked like. It was still a bit outlandish that she had faces like that at all. A 13-years-old that seemed to have seen so many things in the world that should not be seen by children her age. She had never seen that with a young girl like that. Raven felt the rising tension inside her muscles for one second and sighed. Actually she had... with Adria. Luna's little protege. Just like Madi she had seen so many bad things. It was like the eyes of those children who had seen part of the apocalypse started to reflect all the unfair pain and loss. They should not feel like this.   
"How can I help?", she heard herself correct her somehow rude answer from before and sighed deeply. 

"I've sort of have a question. One that only you might be able to answer." While Madi took a few steps to look closer at the machine, Raven took a closer look at the girl. She narrowed her eyes a bit, changed her seating position on the chair and leaned back. "Ask away." - "I've been wondering if there is more to this... commander's spirit than we all know and understand. I don't know anything about this technique and... Clarke mentioned a City of Light and all... how...does that work?" Raven raised her gaze the second Madi mentioned the chip again and her eyes were suddenly somehow covered by a shadow. As if only mentioning it brought her right back into the darkness of that situation. The pain. It was an intense topic. Her hand automatically started to shake - uncontrollably - but suddenly there was a warm hand right on top of hers. The uncontrollable shaking stopped. Clarke was right. Madi was a very sensitive human being, especially for her young age. "I'm sorry if you don't want to talk about it. I was just so curious. All this is new. I grew up here on the ground and you know..." Madi then took a step back and watched the older one, unsure what else to do or say. 

The mechanic took a deep breath and slowly shook her head. She did not want Madi to feel uncomfortable asking her questions. Above all she liked the fact that the child finally talked to her. While she seemed to have developed an immediate connection to Echo, Harper and the others - even Octavia - Raven had the feeling that Madi was kinda afraid when it came to her. And she could not help but understand it a bit, too. Raven knew that she did not seem like anyone who was friendly anymore, because she did not try it. She did not try to fit in any longer. After all this time she started to not care anymore, too. Everything still circled around that one topic - survival. And her friends knew her. Raven was the smart one, the one who thought rationally and straight to the point, like a machine. Sometimes she had problems to differ between her and the machines herself. It became weird to feel a lot. More and more with each day that was passing by. 

"I am sorry, Madi." It was the first time she actually called the little nightblood by her real name and looked at her with more than just a scanning look. It was weird. As if Raven just did not want to give them all a name and a soul in her mind anymore. The more people she let in, the more she would lose eventually. That was what it felt like. After what had happened at that conclave so many years ago... she did not want anyone close anymore. The sharp pain was too deep.   
"The whole thing is about something we call AI. Artificial intelligence. This topic is connected to many memories. Bad ones. Pain...and darkness. A time we'd all rather forget than talk about. But as you are so interested in it - and I support curiosity with these topics a lot - I will try to make it more clear for you." She cleared her throat and put her screwdriver aside. "The AI you know under the name 'commander's spirit'... it was all programmed a long time ago to help the human race survive the end of the world."

"How can something that should help the human race survive cause so many bad memories for you?" Madi sat down next to the chair Raven sat on and sighed while the 13-years-old carefully touched the machine with her fingertips. Usually Raven would tell her to stop touching anything there but in this moment she let her be. The mechanic knew that this was not easy for the child. In her point of view everything always seemed so heroic. That's how children wanted to see the world. They needed role models and Raven knew Clarke. She could imagine what the stories Madi heard must have sounded like. Commander Lexa and the commanders before her sharing a magical bond that helped them be strong and lead their people towards peace... Honorable. She saw Madi shivering next to her although she did not even say anything else. And although Raven did not want to destroy Madi's belief, she wanted to give her the other side of it. The technology side. Help her understand. Raven rated her as a child that was smart enough to know that the real world was a lot more cruel than the fairytales. In this world children grew up very fast. They had no other choice than doing so if they wanted to survive here.

"Because there was a former version of the commander's spirit. A... bad version of it. Or more... poorly conceived to be fair. It had mistakes. The AI was called 'A.L.I.E.'. Her creator Becca designed her as an AI that would make life better for the mankind by seeing their future mistakes before they can make them. The problem was that A.L.I.E. saw the biggest threat in the overpopulation of the world. You can imagine what she did to solve that problem. Long story short... It all went too far. She was uncontrollable." Raven put one hand on Madi's shoulder.   
"The commander's spirit you know is the second version of Becca's program. After A.L.I.E. turned out to have remarkable mistakes, Becca tried again, creating the flame as a program that would understand what it meant to be human. A program that would really help creating peace and rescuing the human race." 

"Becca... Becca pramheda", Madi suddenly said and Raven's eyes widened. Before she could ask, Madi got a thoughtful face and nodded after a while. "I've heard that story about the first commander a long time ago...even before I met Clarke. My...I think my mother told me that. I can barely remember... and it was a lot different from your story. Not so... technological." The nightblood narrowed her eyes, trying to remember it. But same as the memory her mother's voice and all those people she had known before, the detailed memory of the story had faded. "Back then it sounded more like magic to be honest. But yes... I heard that she was the first Heda we grounders ever had. I just did not know that she really... created the commander's spirit herself." Madi shrugged and then - out of nowhere - smiled at Raven. It melted Raven's heart. It was so weird how this child just talked to her for a short moment and Raven wanted nothing more than to protect her from now on. She was a precious little soul. She did not deserve all this trouble. And Raven would definitely make sure that she would not get involved in any more pain. 

* * *

 

"Madi!"

Clarke. Madi jumped up and the fire inside her eyes lit up again. Whatever had happened those past years and whatever people said about Clarke... Everyone knew that she did a very good job with raising the child. Madi was tough and she knew exactly what was right or wrong. Just talking to her for a short time had proved not only Raven but also Echo and even Octavia exactly that. After Raven had finished telling her the other side of the story, Madi had stayed a bit longer with the mechanic, watching her tighten a few more screws. It was calming, to say the least. And it was something new to learn.  

  
"Madi... pack your things, strikon. We're leaving now."

"Clarke, what...?"

"You were right. Taim don kom op." _It is time._

  
Gaia appeared right behind Clarke and then she got a glimpse of the wolf next to the flamekeeper. It made Madi shiver what had happened. The wolf... for some reason the eyes of her little friend had changed its color. What had been a deep and calming forestgreen before was now a brighter color. More like a silvery one. It reminded Madi of the color of the commander's spirit... And it was probably exactly that little object that had caused the change. The green was nearly gone and it gave the wolf something ghostly. Not scary but... different. Something had changed. The warpaint seemed darker now that the eyes were so bright. Madi walked over to the white animal and gently stroked its head. It pressed its nose against Madi's fingers and blinked once. "I knew that there was more to you. I knew it", she whispered. Clarke opened her fist and Madi saw the commander's spirit one more time. Just like the wolf's eyes the little infinity symbol in the middle of the chip was shining in a small silvery light. Madi raised her head and looked into Clarke's eyes. Both nodded at the same time as Clarke formed one word with her lips, although the little nightblood knew what she thought. Just one name. One name that meant so much.  _Lexa._

_\- Part of her is still in there._

_\- Our fight is not over._

_\- I will always be with you._  

* * *

 

_It is time. Find me. Come back to me._

 

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there, lovely Clexas <3
> 
> Due to a fire at our barn one month ago I did not have the time and motivation to write on the next chapter.  
> I know that some of you waited super long for an update and here it finally is - a chapter longer than most of the others.  
> I hope you guys like it... stay tuned! 
> 
> Some big events are not so far away anymore!
> 
> x

**∞ Chapter 11 ∞**

 

Clarke did not need that much on this journey. Madi and her survived with less than ever before for weeks if needed. Still Abby and the others wanted to make sure that they had enough food with them for at least the first week. Water. A few medical things. Of course Abby was more than worried when she heard that they would leave now, just a short time after she had got her daughter back… but Clarke could not wait any longer. If there was just a small chance, a small glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel that could lead her to Lexa – or something connected to Lexa – she had to risk it. After all this time it was normal that Madi wanted to join her. Gaia – well, Clarke knew that she, due to her flamekeeper-life, was deeply connected to the commander’s spirit and would follow her everywhere. On this journey it would most likely be the three of them then. She turned around and grabbed her weapon, her backpack and looked back at the few people that were there to say goodbye.  
  
Her mum and Kane. Bellamy, Harper, Monty, Murphy, Emori. They all stood in a row, which reminded Clarke of their last day on earth years ago, right after they went to find Raven. Then there was Octavia, farer away but more focused than ever. The dark warpaint that was connected to Lincoln’s tattoo suited her well. On Octavia’s right side, a bit hidden – Niylah. Clarke’s facial expression lit up for a second when Niylah gave her the hint of a smile. The grounder-woman seemed to have found a friend in Octavia, at least they were closer than before from what Clarke saw now. But there were still two people missing. Raven and Echo. Clarke did not really worry about the Azgeda warrior. She had never been close to her. More the contrary. But Raven? The mechanic was probably one of the people that Clarke would consider to be her closest, even though their friendship had a lot of ups and downs in the past… Won’t she be here to say goodbye? At least for Madi? After the short moment she had seen between Madi and Raven the day before she thought that the mechanic somehow cared for her protégé. Same as Echo.

“Wanheda. We should leave if we want to reach the first stop by night.” Gaia stepped forward as Madi shook her head, to Clarke’s surprise. “Just a moment longer, please”, the small nightblood said and although Clarke found her own astonishment reflected in the flamekeeper’s eyes, the woman did not say anything else to the child and just nodded as a response. They waited for another 2 minutes. Clarke hugged her mum and waved the others goodbye. She did not want a big scene here but she understood that Abby needed this. She had been without her daughter for over 6 years and had to let her go now again, not knowing if or when they would see each other again. Then finally a noise from the side.

“We’re ready to go!” Raven came through the bushes, followed by a not so friendly looking Echo who carried another backpack. Madi started to smile and stepped forward to take one of Raven’s smaller bags. Raven saw Clarke’s not so happy facial expression and stopped her before she could say anything against it. “I know what you want to say. ‘This is none of your business, this is my journey, blabla. Yes, Clarke. Maybe. But we’ve been talking about this last night and we will come with you. Like it or not. It is never wrong to have another warrior like Echo to protect and you will need my help with the technique anyways. After all the commander’s spirit is still an A.I. which makes it a complicated thing that was made to be understood by nobody else but the smartest brains on earth. And no offense but Clarke – you need me for that and you know it.” The mechanic stopped next to Madi and squeezed her shoulder. “You alright?”, she asked a bit softer than before and got a short but convincing nod from the child. Echo lifted her arms as a ‘I did not really sign up for this but I am in’-gesture and stopped next to Raven.

Clarke sighed a bit but now that Raven and Echo were here already it seemed as if nothing could stop them from joining this anyways… and she was not dumb. Raven was right. Whatever all this meant – the wolf, the commander’s spirit, finding the truth about the story behind all this – they needed Raven for the more complicated science-parts. And Echo… she proved more than once that she was a tough fighter and especially with Eligius-crew out there Clarke felt a little bit better knowing that there was one pair of eyes more to watch over Madi. “Fine. Knowing you means knowing that you are too stubborn to let me stop you anyways”, Clarke sighed and Raven pointed at her. “Damn right.”

“Maybe you could need a few more people for protection? I mean who knows where this creature will lead you? I don’t know if trusting in a safe journey would be the best.”  
Clarke turned her head and found herself looking at Bellamy who had spoken up for the first time since they gathered there. She knew that he did not really like all this. Her trusting in something that was so deeply connected to the grounders. After all these years part of him still seemed to be really careful. And she knew why. For Bellamy it was hard to see this culture as the one that brought him anything good. He lost Octavia to them – somehow – he saw many of his friends die. And it did not help that he was already a bit more judgmental than most of the others from the very first day on earth. Like Raven he always preferred to see them as “not a part of his people”. It got worse by the time Clarke had chosen to accept being Wanheda back then. Staying with Lexa instead of going home with Bellamy and the others. He never really got over that, did he? As Clarke’s best friend he knew that there was no way to stop her from doing this. But Clarke saw the disagreement in his eyes. He did not want to let the group be split again. Not so early after they just made it back to the others. Raven and Echo had been his people for the last 6 years and more. Clarke knew that he had led them. She knew that he saw them as his responsibility.

“We can’t risk travelling with a larger group of people, Bel. Eligius-crew is still out there and who knows who else is waiting in the deepest parts of the forest? We need to try being as inconspicuous as possible.” Wanheda closed the gap between them, pulled her best friend a bit aside to talk more privately and put one hand on his arm. “I know you feel responsible for them. But you did your part. You brought them back here safely. Now let them go on. Let them do their part. I need them on this journey. I need to find out what’s behind all this. And I need you here to take care of the others. You just got Octavia back. I don’t want you to leave her behind again. Not now. This is not your journey, Bellamy.”  
Clarke saw him nod and close his eyes before she pulled him into a hug. “Do what you have to do, Clarke. If there is any chance to find her… you can do it.” It was short but needed from the both of them. Hearing that he had faith in her meant a lot to Clarke. And he knew how much Lexa meant to her. He knew that she had to go.  
As the former leaders of the delinquents so many years ago, Clarke and Bellamy had been through a lot together and Bellamy was one of the only people Clarke trusted to be able to hold them all together. He did it before and he could do it again. Wanheda then took a step back and hugged her mum before they finally turned around. “May we meet again”, she said before she heard a familiar sound. The wolf had chosen its path and the paws created a small noise on the forest ground again. As the small group of people went away from what was called “Onekru”, Clarke heard them mumbling “May we meet again” in union.

 _Yes… may we meet again. And maybe next time I will bring back the one that is meant to lead us all._ Lexa… _If there is any chance to find you… I will find you. I will always find you._  
Clarke caught up to the wolf and exchanged a small and single gaze with it. _It is time._  
  


* * *

 

After one day of walking through the forest, they finally reached the first spot to rest at. While the others prepared a small campfire and something to eat for dinner, Clarke found herself looking at the commander’s spirit over and over again. It still had this silvery shimmer. Whenever she looked at it, she was somehow scared that it would be gone again. As if all her hope was connected to this small silvery light. But it was true. Since the moment it lit up in connection with the wolfs eyes, it was as if a pull deep down inside of Clarke forced her to move forward. To search for the reasons, an explanation. Anything.

It did not take the others long to fall asleep that day. It had been hours and hours of walking and Clarke knew that unlike her and Madi, they were not used to walking that much anymore. Even though they had been training sword fights up there somehow, in space they had lost most of their fitness. Probably. Clarke waited until Madi had fallen asleep too and left the campfire afterwords. Sometimes a little bit of time alone helped her to sort her thoughts. It was important to be able to focus on what she wanted to achieve in the end. Right now she wanted to reach a higher place to be able to watch the stars. It calmed her down. A place to think. After two minutes of walking, Clarke reached a hill that gave her the possibility to avoid the treetops and see the night sky. It was infinite as always. Endless. Magical. A few moments of silence with only her own thoughts… She leaned back and took a deep breath.  
  
Then, after another 5 minutes, the sound of small footsteps and paws walking up the hill. Without changing her position, Clarke knew that it was Madi and the wolf next to her. They probably woke up and followed her footprints here.  
“Is she really up there?“ When Madi spoke up, Clarke finally faced her protégé. The small nightblood herself lifted her gaze and pointed at the stars. The green eyes were full of the starlight‘s reflection.  
For a moment Clarke did not know what to answer. It was hard to describe what she felt when she looked up there. The space used to be Clarke’s home. It was the place where she grew up. So close to the stars and all those planets… And now that she was here on the ground it seemed so weird to believe in a paradise up there where the gone people rested in peace. It was as if Lexa and Clarke changed their locations. “I mean technically Lexa could be part of a kind of Skaikru there.” Clarke sighed, smiling with sadness over Madi’s try to raise the mood and followed Madi’s gaze up there again.  
  
„I don’t know, strikon. But I always believed in that. Her being a star now. She loved watching them, same as you.“ As the child joined her on the tree trunk, Clarke stroked Madi’s hair and pulled her closer. „She promised to always be there and the stars are always there. Even at day time. You just can’t see them then but they never leave, you know.” Imagining Lexa so far away hurt deep down her soul. Clarke missed Lexa with all of her. In moments like this it was even harder than ever. Wanheda held on to her little second that now nodded and relaxed a bit in her arms as the wolf sad down next to the tree trunk and looked up itself.

“Clarke?” – “Yes?” She stopped stroking Madi’s hair and lowered her gaze again. – “I would like to say goodbye to her. I mean… did you see where we are? I want to go there one last time… you know?” Clarke knew what Madi was talking about within a second. And she had recognized it herself. The place of the first stop… the clearing in the middle of the forest and all this… it was not unfamiliar.

“I know.”  
  


* * *

 

The clearing of the forest had not changed since the last time they had been here. A calm and peaceful clearing that seemed to be part of a different world. When everything had seemed to be dry and dismal, this small spot had been their place to go. It was not like a grave for Lexa – because her body was not here – but it was like a place to remember her. On that certain day 5 years ago, Madi and Clarke had planted one tree here. One single tree that – back then – had not been bigger than 20 centimeters. It was now taller than Madi herself and surrounded by the rest of the forest as if the other plants tried to protect the holy place. The light of the full moon shone through the treetops and painted the clearing in a mystical light.

Clarke swallowed hard and suppressed the need to cry. After all she did not want to let anyone forget about Lexa. Especially not herself. She had tried to draw Lexa a few times, failing miserably by just the way Lexa had looked at her. It was not possible to catch that in a drawing. But at least this clearing and the tree, all that had given her and Madi a way to remember the great Heda. It had given Clarke a place to go to whenever she needed a spot to grieve for Lexa. The love of her life. The one that she had found and loved. The one that she had lost.  
  
All that had been connected to the love of her life had been destroyed by the death wave. Polis was gone and with it all the locations that had been connected to Clarke’s memories. All the locations where it would have been easier to remember how Lexa looked like. Or her voice. Her scent. Now she only existed in Clarke’s memory and it faded. It faded with every single day. What never faded was Clarke’s will to find a way to remember her.

Madi reached out for the tree’s bark. Clarke did the exact same thing and smiled as the wolf walked over and touched it with its nose. “Well… then this is goodbye, hm? This is the last time we are here for the next few weeks probably”, Clarke heard herself say as Madi shook her head in response. “This is not a goodbye Clarke. We will return to this place. I can feel it”, she said and grabbed something from inside her jacket’s pocket. As Clarke recognized what it was, her breath stopped. Madi’s necklace. The little nightblood had had it since forever, even before Clarke had found her shortly after the death wave. It was a simple necklace with nothing but the infinity symbol. Now that Clarke saw it again, she recognized how much of a coincidence it was, that it was the exact same symbol. The sacred symbol of the commanders. Holy in all grounder-tradition. Madi attached it to one of the bigger branches of the tree and smiled. “It feels right to leave it here until we return”, she explained to Clarke as she looked up. Clarke felt a tear running down her cheek now and saw her own sadness reflected in the child’s eyes for a short moment. “She is with us wherever we go, remember?”, Madi whispered and as if the wolf agreed, it stood up and touched Clarke’s arm with its head. A sigh followed the silence of the night.

“I think it’s time to get back to the others before they wake up and think we left without them.”  
Madi nodded in agreement and together they followed the wolf back to the camp, leaving their special place and Madi’s necklace behind. The night sky remained silent and unchanged until a shooting star draw a line between the stars.

_I will always be with you._

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello to all grounders and skypeople! 
> 
> I am glad you found back to the story!  
> Updating this takes super long - I know - but I hope the chapters are still worth a wait.  
> I am trying my best to keep this whole story exciting.  
> Happiness is a good thing but it can be boring too!
> 
> Let's see what happens next!
> 
> May we meet again! x

**∞ Chapter 12 ∞**

The sun rose and set for another 7 times while the little group of companions seemed to lose hope a little. Without having found anything so far – any hint on what they were actually searching for – especially Raven seemed to get more annoyed day after day. At first she snapped at everyone who said something unnecessary, then she did not talk at all again which caused above all Echo to get annoyed too. After all it was the mechanic who had talked the former Azgeda warrior into joining this journey in the first place and now that the mechanic did not talk anymore, she found communicating with the others an uncomfortable need of not becoming mad. But also Clarke herself and the mysterious Gaia stopped talking. Only the really necessary words were exchanged before they wandered on and on for miles or stopped for a little meal or break. Madi turned her head to see the same stressed expressions on the other ones’ faces before she slowly shook her head and let her small fingers gently stroke the cheek fur of the wolf. Knowing exactly that it could not go on like this for a long while Madi felt a bit hopeless herself but she did not want to give up either. That was not the way she had been raised by Clarke all these years.

“They don’t believe anymore”, she whispered in silence to her furry friend and sighed a little. “You know that they will need proof somehow, right? What are we looking for? What does your presence mean? And these questions are the most superficial ones. Don’t let me get started with the ones Raven would probably love to ask you…” Madi inhaled audibly and closed her eyes for a second. “If only you could tell us more. They want to know for what they are wandering here.” The nightblood let her hand sink again and bit her lip. “Same as me, to be honest.” As always the wolf remained silent though, not giving her any answer but the trustworthy look of its secretive green eyes. Eyes surrounded by the dark fur that still looked like Lexa’s warpaint. Madi had seen it on so many of Clarke’s drawings and she had imagined it so many times – whenever her mentor told her about the great Heda – that she now felt it as if it had something like a magical way of giving her hope again.

“After all we do it for Lexa, hm?”, the small girl asked the wolf again but was distracted by the sudden call of her mentor’s voice. She did not see the small sparkle that crossed the wolf’s eyes.  
Following the call of Clarke, Madi got up instead of saying something else and walked over to the others. It did not look as if they were preparing for walking on again. Instead, Echo just shouldered bow and arrow while Gaia and Raven seemed to be deep into a talk about the commander’s spirit. The “spirit” how Gaia kept calling it while the mechanic tried to explain her the more technical part of it being an A. I. did not seem to be something they could agree on. Trying to explain something that was deeply connected to an old cultural believe with something that screamed science from A to Z was just not easy, the small girl assumed. At least the flamekeeper managed to make Raven speak again, she then thought and focused on Clarke who just checked on her knife the way she always did it right before going to hunt. And Madi was right.  
  
Clarke was the first one who spoke and for everyone it had been clear that she somehow led them all. After all it was her who had the connection to the commander’s spirit. Even Gaia did not question what she had experienced in the city of light and the way she had sacrificed her life for the small chip.

“We decided to hunt a little to fill up our bags. I’d say we build two groups and while you are the one who knows the earth as well as me and how much it changed through the last years I’d like for you to go with Echo while I go into the other direction to the mountainside terrain. You two might be successful at the source of the river. Maybe you could even fill up our bottles with fresh water again? Madi you know how to recognize radioactive water. What do you think?” Madi saw Clarke’s challenging glance appear in her eyes. It was something she had missed after all this. There was still the Clarke inside of her mentor that had raised her those past years. The Clarke who always made the best experience out of every situation. The one that the little nightblood looked up to. “I bet Echo trained enough small warriors like you to tell if you are really as good as you think you are”, her mentor added. While Madi started to feel the motivation running through her muscles again, Clarke started to smile at her. Just a small and nearly invisible smile, but it was the first one since they had been at the tree of Lexa the other night.  
  
“You can bet on that”, Echo approved and gave Madi’s shoulder a little squeeze. “Why not make it kind of a test for you, Madi?” Now that Echo looked at her as if she was a little warrior, Madi could not help but give her a proud smile and nodded. “Agreed. But I’ll need Lexa’s help.” As if they had been planning this, the wolf showed up in exactly that moment to swing its tail a bit from side to side. “Guess that means yes!”, Madi translated with a pretended thoughtful look and caused everyone – even Raven – to laugh.

 

* * *

 

“Rabbit. 4 toes on their hind feet and five on the front ones. Also… this long paw print shows you that it must have been a webbed and long paw – like rabbits have. The hind feet are super strong for jumping… the paw print is a bit deeper here too… Yeah I vote for rabbit.” While Madi was talking, Echo nodded in agreement and Madi saw the surprised look on her face. Probably surprised by how much the girl actually knew. Madi liked the fact that Echo now had to admit that Clarke had not been that bad of a mentor for her. So far at least. Until now it was all just the theory part. The nightblood did not want to disappoint Clarke. She wanted to make a good impression on the Azgeda warrior. On her other side, the Lexa-wolf sniffed on the ground and flicked its ears back and forth. For some reason Madi had the feeling it was a bit more observing than usual, a bit worried even, but before she could give this more thought, Echo told her to move forward and find the prey before it would be too far away. Bow and arrow over her shoulder the nightblood went on and followed the paw prints just the way she had learned it from Clarke. Not knowing that in the same second somebody else already targeted them from above.

* * *

  
Just one more second… she let go and swoosh! “NAILED IT!”, Madi proudly shouted backwards, ran towards her arrow’s destination and held up the fresh-kill only a second later. The arrow Madi had shot at it was stuck exactly in the eye of the small rabbit. Even for her a good shot. She managed to always shoot the head of it but a shot directly in her eye was more Clarke’s specialty.  
“What is that supposed to mean?” The Azgeda warrior showed up in between two bigger trees and had another rabbit in her left hand. The right one held her bow.  
“Nailed it? Hmmm something like… I did it. It might be a Skaikru-thing. Got it from Clarke.” Madi shrugged and was surprised by the not so happy face of the warrior. Did she do something wrong?  
“Well then you nailed it with scaring away all the other prey with your screaming earlier.” Echo’s voice was cold as ice and caused Madi to have a shiver. She had completely forgotten about that due to her pride. A mistake that should not have happened. The next second though, Echo’s facial expression softened again while she nodded towards the little nightblood. “That was a really good shot. Whenever you made a shot like that back in the Azgeda-training, you had the honor to bring your prey right to the queen or the king for them to see how good you became. Warriors in training with that talent were more likely chosen for the royal guard later on.”  
  
Madi saw the somehow melancholic look in Echo’s eyes while she seemed to travel back in time with her memories for that short moment. “What was it like to be the queen’s guard of Queen Nia? I know her from Clarke’s stories.”  
Echo blinked and narrowed her eyes again. “Stories about Lexa?” As Madi nodded a bit unsure, Echo snorted. “I bet Queen Nia seemed like the hell on earth in a leader in those stories but after all every leader just does what is best for their clan. And the queen truly led Azgeda to power and strength. A strength Azgeda had not seen for years. She did not want us to be one of many. She wanted us to be THE one. And I loved following that ruthless path back then.” The honesty in Echo’s words hit Madi like a cold breeze but on the other hand it made sense that the warrior still felt this way. Born and raised to be exactly who she was today. Madi was not scared by that nor did she judge Echo for what she might have done under the command of the queen.  
“Loved? Did that change?”, she asked her instead and Echo pursed her lips a little. “People change, op-spuna.” Little spoon. Madi was about to answer as… Barking. Howling. Then silence… followed by a yowling so bloodcurdling, that Madi flinched and felt her heartbeat fasten. The wolf!  
  
Without another thought, Madi and Echo turned around and ran towards the noises. On their half way Clarke joined them from the right. Same as them she must have heard the noises and knew that something was wrong. “It’s Lexa!”, Madi heard herself repeating it over and over again. Fear in her eyes. What if something had happened to her?

* * *

  
“Put the wolf in that cage, Harriet. It will make a great bait for them.”  
  
_Where am I?_  
  
“If it doesn’t stop howling you can also put it to sleep.”  
  
_What is happening to me?_  
  
“Have you seen the blood? Black. Very dark, even for a wolf.”  
  
_What are you doing?_

“The blonde woman and the small girl will be here in no time. This time they won’t be able to flee and we will finally find out more. Coming for their little pet here…”  
  
_No! Clarke. Madi… Set raun weron yu ste kamp! Em la pros!  
__Can’t you hear me? Stay where you are! It’s a trap!_

Unable to warn them in any way, the wolf careened desperately trying to stay awake and moved its head from side to side. Its extremities felt heavier than ever and there was something that caused its thoughts to be slowlier, too. _What did they do to me?_ The white wolf with the usually proud glance sank to the ground of the cold cage and closed its green eyes as another small prick on her flank let her lose the conscience.

There had been the forest… as always it had stayed close to Madi but today something was different. The atmosphere of all the trees surrounding them had not felt safe as always. It had felt as if something or somebody has waited for them to be here. Always alert, the wolf had tried to find the source of this feeling without worrying Madi too much. The child was so sensitive that it always knew immediately what was going on but fortunately this time she seemed to be distracted with the warrior’s training and her task. Enough time for the wolf to sneak away a few meters and search more… then… darkness.

 

_Grounders don’t give up. We fight._

_Oso gonplei nou ste odon nowe._

_Our fight is never over._

And the white wolf fought. Fought for her people. The way she had always fought for them.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My dear grounders and skypeople,
> 
> prepare for sadness in this chapter...  
> I wanted to try something else and to understand Clarke in this, we needed to understand a certain thing first. What she went through.  
> Read and please don't hate me for breaking your hearts a little bit.
> 
> x

∞ Chapter 13 ∞

“No. Please no. Clarke. Do something. Clarke please bring her back. BRING HER BACK!” Clarke’s stomach felt as if it became tighter with every word Madi said. She was gone. The wolf was gone. In this short moment that felt like eternity, Clarke remembered what it had been like to lose her. To lose Lexa. The sharp pain inside her heart was present in exactly that second she remembered it all. Clarke’s past was blurred; especially all those moments that had happened before meeting Madi. Before the death wave. But this moment was so sharp and accurate that trying to forget about it was impossible. Trying to forget about the most horrible moment of her life was impossible.

 

* * *

 

_Over 6 years ago…_

_“I’m ready”, Titus said but it was just a small voice in the background. Dull. Something so far away that she had barely recognized it at first. Clarke found herself looking at her loved one, looking at Lexa. The way the black blood already had dappled the corner of Lexa’s mouth made her feel a sharp pain inside the heart. She knew but she did not want to face what was about to happen. While her hand carefully caressed the side of Lexa’s beautiful face which was so pale in the dimmed light of the candles, Titus started to paint himself with the nightblood. Lexa’s blood. What are you doing? You can’t just do this. You can’t just accept it. Help me rescue her!_  
  
_I cannot let her die. I will not let her die._

_Clarke’s body rebelled against what she knew she would have to face because she could not take it. She could not take more. After all this time she could not lose HER. Not like this. Not on this way. Not with being responsible for another death – a death she would never be able to overcome. Lexa…_

_“Ai gonplei ste odon.” Her voice… only a whisper yet it was so clear in Clarke’s ears that she felt how it seemed to stop her breathing. She could not remember what it felt like to breathe in without this sharp pain that blockaded her lungs. Blue eyes met green ones. As always she did not see fear in the Heda’s eyes… but she saw it in Lexa’s. Lexa wanted to stay with Clarke. She did not want to be Heda for this short moment. Her last moment on earth. Her last moment with Clarke. Stay… If only it could be that easy._  
  
_“No. No … I won’t accept that.” I’m not letting you die. Shaking her head to a clear no, Clarke did not turn away her gaze once. It was only her and her soulmate. Far away from all the pain. The war. The death. In this small place that belonged to only them, Lexa was alive. And they had found each other. They had found each other for a reason. The universe had wanted that for them. She had looked down from the Arc to the ground for so many years, wondering what would wait down there for her – only to find out it was never about what would wait but about who would wait for her. Lexa. In this small place Lexa was well._

**_But she was not._ **

_Clarke’s heart felt as if it suddenly forgot how to work. How to beat. Something it had known how to do since birth was forgotten the second Lexa’s heartbeat went slowly. Fought the last fight. Clarke’s heart fought right beside it._

_“You were right Clarke. Life is about more than just surviving.” You are my ‘more’. You are the reason I stayed alive for so long. The reason I fought. The reason I changed my mind. The reason I overcame whatever life had given to me before you showed up. You are special. You are the one who made me be Lexa again, not only the commander. You are the one. You are mine. And you will be safe._  
  
_Clarke saw all this in Lexa’s eyes without the need to hear her saying it out loud and she felt the tears filling her own eyes. Her fear of losing her soulmate was reflected in the green eyes of the one she loved more than anything or anyone else in the world. The Wanheda breathed out while Lexa’s eyes were getting heavier. They were closing, but Lexa managed to open them one last time to look into Clarke’s eyes. I am home, they said. Home with you. Breathing got harder, but Lexa did not know how to give up so easily. She wanted to stay. For once she wanted to stay more than anything. You are the one. Even if I have to go, I will never really leave you. I will always be with you, even if I have to go on this journey. I don’t want to go without you._

_And Clarke knew that this was the last thing she could do for her. This was the last chance for her to tell Lexa how much she loved her. How many wishes she had had for her all this time. How deep her feelings were. The last chance to tell her that she was not alone._

_“In peace may you leave the shore. In love… may you find the next. Safe passage on your travels… until our final journey on the ground.” Her voice broke, her throat felt like she would never be able to speak again. “May we meet again.” Sobbing nearly swallowed the last words of Clarke. Not even once she and Lexa stopped looking at each other. Holding on to each other._

_I will find you again. I will find you in another life. Over and over again because our souls belong together. I will be with you. It is the only way. It is our way._

_Clarke lowered her head to kiss Lexa. Her lips carefully touched Lexa’s. This was not a goodbye kiss. Lexa used her last bit of energy to return the kiss by lifting her head one last time. The kiss was the last breath she took from this world. The kiss… the promise to meet again. We will find each other and I will be with you._

_I will find you. I will wait for you._

_It was the moment Clarke’s world lost its colors and its scents. It became dismal. Clarke knew that she had just lost the sense of all her life. Her soulmate. And with Lexa gone, all the colors went to black and white._

 

* * *

“We will get her back. I don’t care if I have to kill all of them.” Echo had enough of this crying and the desperation. Seeing Madi so sad and even Clarke’s way of looking like she was completely broken somehow caused Echo to become even more aggressive towards the strangers. Towards Eligius crew. She wanted revenge for what those people had done with taking the wolf. Maybe their little group of companions was not Azgeda, but it was the people Echo fought for right now, which meant for her to take revenge on those who dared to harm them in any way. She pulled her sword out of the scabbard and had this look in her eyes that was scaring by just seeing it. She was ready to kill and to do what it took. Whatever it was. It was Eligius crew – Echo had recognized the dropship in exactly the second they were near enough to see them carrying the wolf inside.

“Running in there aggressively won’t help us at all”, Gaia said and seemed rather untouched by what had happened. Her calm aura made Echo’s will to hold back fade at last and she narrowed her eyes, taking one step forward into the flamekeeper’s direction, ready to face her. “Then what, holy fleimkepa? Praying to the gods to give her back?” The Azgeda warrior spit on the grass next to her feet and let out some kind of angry noise.  
“No. But we need a plan before we just storm this dropship.” Clarke had her voice back earlier than Echo had thought. Now the Azgeda warrior stood face to face with the Wanheda. Echo was a lot stronger than the Wanheda had ever been but spending the last years of her life up there with the other skypeople somehow changed her way of reacting. She thought more before just doing something.  
  
“Go on. What’s the brilliant plan?”, she wanted to know and lowered her sword for a moment.  
“As far as we know the commander’s spirit… the A.I. – whatever you want to call it – reacts with a glowing light whenever it comes near the wolf. Their dropship might not be as big as a whole station up there in the universe but having the chip will help us find her … find the wolf easier”, Clarke started and looked at Raven for some sign of agreement. The mechanic nodded but Echo saw that this was not all Raven had on her mind in that second. And she was right.

“We can’t just walk in there though and expect them to not see us immediately. They know that we will most likely come for her…“ – “Most likely?”, Clarke asked indignantly which caused Raven to correct herself. “…that we WILL come for the wolf. From what I’ve seen of the inside and the main machines they will be able to scan their surroundings – except that one little back entrance that is not really an entrance but will make a good way to get inside and open the side door for the others.” The mechanic now had everyone’s attention, although Echo recognized that Madi still stared on the ground, looking as hopeless as never before. Echo bit her tongue and focused on Raven again.

“It’s a chamber that leads into the engine room on the back of the dropship. There’s nearly nobody in there, especially now that they have to be present everywhere else. This could be the only way in. They don’t have enough people to cover all the different rooms. From what we know already some of them are not anywhere near the dropship. I heard them planning what to do when they made me land the dropship hear in the first place. So…”

Echo tried to remember what the inside of the dropship had looked like. It was hard to tell anything more detailed due to the fact that they had barely left the room they were captured in until they had reached the earth and the room had barely had enough light to recognize anything helpful but she remembered that the engines room had been near this room because the machines in there had been really loud, especially while walking towards the right back side of the room. Technically – and using all her ability to imagine and plan out the way in her head like a warrior would have done – the room was not so far away from that side door Raven had been talking about. It could actually be a better plan than just storming inside, but…

“Then why aren’t we going already? When you are so sure and all…” Clarke raised her brow and folded her arms. Echo somehow had a feeling of where this was going but she saw the confusion in Clarke’s facial expression. The Azgeda warrior looked back at the mechanic.  
“There’s a catch”, Raven added now that she felt Echo’s eyes on her and they exchanged a look. Echo narrowed her eyes once more and shook her head. “No way, Raven. It is too dangerous”, she hissed immediately and Clarke’s confusion grew even more. Echo could not believe where Raven’s thoughts just had gone to. “What? What’s the problem?” The warrior turned her head towards Clarke again and let out a deep breath before the mechanic could answer. “The chamber is too small for any of us. Except somebody who is as small as Madi. So she will have to go in there alone in the first place. On her own until she finds the side door.”

 

* * *

 

Every look suddenly landed on her. Madi felt like there was a spotlight. She barely had paid attention to what had been talked about. The wolf was gone and Madi felt as if she had let it down. As if she should have paid more attention on its behavior. She knew now that her weird feeling before the hunt had not been wrong. The wolf had known that something was wrong and maybe she even had tried to warn her but Madi did not have anything better to do then hunting like an ace to impress Echo. Guilt. Something that lasted more on her shoulders now that she really knew what it felt like.

The second her name dropped in the conversation though, she looked up and faced all the gazes of the others. Worried, curious, patient gazes. Each of them different. While she felt her mentor’s hand on her shoulder, holding her back, she shook it off, narrowed her eyes like Echo had done it before and got up. “If there’s any way I can help bringing Lexa back I want to help. I will do it. I don’t care how dangerous it is. I am strong enough. I’ve proven myself.” She mainly spoke to Raven because it had been her who mentioned the plan, although Madi knew that Clarke was actually the one she had to convince of letting her go in there.

“No. Madi I won’t let this happen. Not like this.” Clarke pulled her aside and lowered her body a bit to be eye-to-eye with the small nightblood. “Listen. The wolf is not Lexa. You don’t know what it is or why it is here. This is too risky. You don’t know this dropship and you could be found immediately by the guards. Captured… or killed.” Even though Madi knew how much she meant to Clarke and even though her respect was really huge when it came to her mentor, she could not just stay here and do nothing when it seemed to be the only chance. “This is not your decision to make, Clarke”, she responded bravely and took a step aside to stand next to Echo to be able to look at Clarke a bit better and show her how much part of the group she was too, even though she was still just a child in Clarke’s eyes. “I don’t care if the wolf is Lexa or not. Or if it is somehow connected to her…” – Madi paused and let her gaze wander over Gaia, to Raven, Echo and back to Clarke – “…what I know for sure is that it is my friend. She had been there for me the last days as if it had never been different. And even before seeing her for the first time she protected us. We both know that. We both know that there had always been something in the forest that watched over us. Clarke – this is something I have to do. She can’t stay with those people. I don’t want to know what will happen to her if we don’t try. Please… I might be her only chance. Please let me try.”

Madi walked away and put one hand on the bark of a tree that was nearby, looking into the direction of the dropship which stood still only another 100 meters away. She was waiting. She knew that Clarke needed time to overthink this. But how much time did they have left?  
She heard how Clarke took a deep breath, saying “I can’t lose her, too”, to the others, but then again Echo spoke up. “She is a nightblood. The strongest of their kind have to face what seems to be hard for those who are not blessed with the night’s strength. Today I’ve got just a small first impression of how smart and agile and precise she is with whatever she does. You’ve trained her well. But for what? Never letting her face any challenges but hunting for prey here and there? She is ready, Clarke. Ready to do what needs to be done sometimes.”

It was the first time Madi heard Echo speak directly to somebody that was not Raven without sounding as if it was only the most necessary things to talk about. The corner of Madi’s mouth rose a bit as Gaia spoke up. The flamekeeper… “It was my task to find the nightbloods of the clans… see which ones of them had the most talent…” Madi did not see what she was doing next but it must have been something like a nod in her direction or any other kind of agreement with Echo, because it caused Clarke to sigh once more.

“Fine. But the moment something goes into the wrong direction or they find her… I will not hesitate to run right in there and shoot them all to get her out.” Wanheda’s voice sounded sharp and somehow ruthless now. She sounded like a pack’s leader that would risk everything to rescue their puppy.

“Bet on that to happen. I will have your back in that case”, Echo promised and Madi’s eyes sparkled as she felt the adrenaline running through her veins once again on this day.

 

_Don’t be afraid, Lexa-pakstoka. I will come for you and I will get you out of there!_


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back to "Under my skin".  
> You have been waiting long but now you get twice the length of a chapter at least!  
> Hehe... It took me long to write this chapter but I hope it was worth it.
> 
> May we meet again!
> 
> x
> 
> And hello... to the character that is back. 8)

**∞ Chapter 14 ∞**

 

Madi did not feel as brave as she wished to be, but she was their only chance. The wolf’s only chance. Slowly walking towards the dropship, she had the feeling that the wind somehow became colder in exactly that moment. It was just shortly after sun high but still it seemed to be so dark in between the trees. What usually gave her the safest feeling grew to be a threat right in front of this big dropship. It was darker than usual… or was it just something her mind made up out of nowhere? Without looking back, she lowered her head as Raven had told her to avoid the cameras and followed the path. The mechanic followed her a bit slowly. She was here to help Madi open the small chamber. From that moment on Madi would have to count only on herself.  
  
The ground of the forest swallowed the sound of their steps as they finally reached the backside of the metallic monster. As Madi’s hands touched the unfamiliar material the dropship was made of, she felt the goosebumps on her arms.

_“Nou fir raun, strikon. What did I tell you about fear? Don’t let it catch you or your spirit might leave.”_ Clarke’s words from only days ago echoed in Madi’s ears. Days? It seemed as if it was years since she and Clarke first saw the big dropship and hid in the cave. But still her heartbeat was the same than before. So fast that she could not help but admit she was indeed scared. _You can do this. Don’t be a coward, Madi. You can do this. Brave as Lexa was. Lexa… Did she know the feeling of being scared, too?,_ Madi wondered, as Raven caught up and put one hand on Madi’s small shoulder.

“Give me a second.” Raven started to pull one of her tools out of her pocket and loosened the screw of the small chamber. Meanwhile the little nightblood let her gaze wander over the clearing. The trees built up something like a protection for the foresters – or a cage for those who stood next to the dropship like Madi in this moment. The way the branches geared into each other gave her the feeling they tried to hold together what was left. Left of this world. It had become quite silent around them. Except of the wind that created a strange howling sound. Howling… After all, Madi was here to help her friend. To help the wolf. But nothing and nobody else seemed to dare coming nearer. Not even the sound of one single brave bird or a far away rustling… time stood still. At least that’s what it seemed like.

Finally, the creak of an opening metallic door brought her back to reality. Back to her task. She stiffened her body immediately, her muscles tensed. Raven got up and stepped aside. The mechanic had kind of a worried facial expression now. Worried – but not as freaked out as Clarke had had it before. Before she could change her mind once more, Madi lowered her body and started to crouch towards the entrance of the tunnel. The moment it nearly swallowed her whole upper body, she suddenly felt Raven’s hand on her again, holding her back. Surprised and unsure how to react, she turned her head back. “Ste kefa.” Raven nodded and Madi felt a warmth running through her body listening to these familiar words of Trigedasleng. After all it was her mother tongue and it reminded her of so much more than what she had right now. Her childhood. There was barely anything left from that time, but what she still remembered quite well was the sound of her mother’s voice whispering to her. _Be careful._ It also was exactly what Clarke had always told her before doing something new, something that was a bit terrifying at first. Getting it now on this way helped the nightblood to feel braver. After all she had seen and heard of the mechanic, it was quite surprising that Raven had actually learned the language… or parts of it.

She answered Raven’s nod with a little smile and crouched onwards. Away from being safe. From now on she had to face the danger alone until the moment she would find and open the side door for the others. The engine room. Madi did not exactly know how to imagine what that would look like, but she was not as scared as before now that she had started to do something.  
Everything in this tunnel was dirty – as expected – and it was really small so that even Madi had a difficult time to move forward. It also gave her the feeling of having no way out – again – but this brought her back to the image of her wolf-friend in the cage and the need of helping it. From what Madi had understood it was a tunnel that was never used for anything but the ventilation of the engines; therefore, she would not meet anyone here.

_Just as well I am not claustrophobic_ , she thought and breathed in. It all smelled a bit moldy, although she felt the air that was coming from the room that seemed to already lay in front of her. It surrounded Madi with the smell of gasoline. She knew it from the old truck they had used to sleep in. The truck – again something that seemed like it had been there years and years ago.

The tunnel ended in a chamber like Raven had explained it to her. The only remarkable thing she could identify in the dark was the little rounded door that would probably lead her into the engine room. Madi closed her eyes, took another deep breath and carefully opened it.

 

* * *

 

 

“We could euthanize it and open the body.”

She narrowed her eyes and tried to suppress a growl.

“Do you wanna kill it?”

_Kill. Fear._ The wolf pressed its back against the cage’s backside. It had to survive. Death would stop it and it was not meant to be stopped. _Not yet._

“We are not gonna kill it with a surgery, we will try to find out more about the species. How did the radioactive area influence its body, its behavior? All that. Now go and make yourself useful. I bet they will try to rescue their pet. Go check the cameras. And prepare room 4 for us to check out the wolf later.”

The white wolf took a deep breath and waited for the humans to disappear again. They had the same basic scent as the other humans she was surrounded by, but other than her people these species had another scent that caused her to shiver.  As if part of them screamed “danger”. She could not trust them. Not with what they were planning.

“Yeah I should. Our IR camera recognized a few spots not too far from the dropship but since the mechanic put some kind of virus before they left we can’t say if it’s just a group of animals or them. Although the difference is not so huge anyways. Harriet is working on it.”

As if he just had told the funniest joke, he walked away chuckling, but the wolf growled again. It was disgusting. The way they talked about her people. As if _they_ were the monsters here.

The moment the conversation went over to the spots on the camera, the wolf licked its mouth and flicked its tail. She wanted to be free but not by putting Clarke and Madi in danger.  
Right after the two men walked away, she focused on the cage’s door again, trying to grab the weird looking lock with her sharp teeth but it was too far outside the cage for her to reach it or cause any damage.

_Please just stay away from here. I know you want to help me but do not put yourself in danger_ , she thought, laying down on the cold iron ground and letting out a little yowl that was barely heard.

 

_You are a warrior. You can fight this war, same as all the ones before._

She got up on her paws again, her eyes were sparkling with the silvery light.

_Non na throu daun gon ai._

 

* * *

 

 

Madi lowered her body to the cold ground and waited. The brunette woman who had come in about two minutes ago did not seem to be a strong opponent but Madi did not want to risk having a loud fight and causing an alarm either.

Another two minutes passed by before she left again after doing something with one of the machines and left the door open behind her. That was Madi’s chance. As quiet as possible she got up and sneaked off around the corner, trying to find the next door Raven had been talking about earlier that day. As she reached the next hallway, Madi used every skill she had learned from Clarke over those last six years. Listening, not making noises, being careful but not hesitating at the same time. She was lucky enough to not meet anyone else but as Raven had told her, they were all probably still busy trying to revive the machines the mechanic had shut down shortly before they had fled from there. Just in case. Always a step ahead.

The nightblood searched for the special door that should be right around the next corner. To her own surprise it led into another room that looked similar to the engine room but was a bit smaller. In here everything seemed to be a bit more technical than before. The whole backside of the room was filled with monitors and weird looking keyboards and buttons to regulate all the things that had anything to do with the dropship. But other than before she felt a bit overwhelmed by all the different lights blending her eyes. How could anyone live between those machines every single day? It was like being captured. _As if those machines would do any good in the world_.

But now that she was here, so close to her allies, but having the enemies closer than ever, too, Madi felt the adrenaline pumping in her body. This was supposed to be the most complicated part as she had to put the right code into the monitor that locked the door. Raven had explained her that the wrong code would cause an alarm – this was supposed to be their warning in case somebody from outside tried to come in. Smart, but not smart enough if you had enemies who once worked with your machines themselves.  
The password for the door was a 10 numbers long code that the mechanic had repeated over and over again for her to not forget it. Some kind of echo was still in Madi’s ears as she typed it in. The monitor made a strange voice with every touch of Madi’s cold finger. While she was typing, she felt how her heartbeat fastened again.

_3074285196._

Complicated but the nightblood remembered it. The small positive sounding noise, followed by the text “access accepted” caused the door to open more quietly than Madi had expected.

* * *

 

In the exact same moment as the door was opened, Clarke ran towards the little nightblood, and pulled her close. “You did it”, she whispered and stroked little Madi’s hair. “Oh come on. No need to celebrate already, there’s a lot of danger still in front of us”, Echo stepped in and brought Clarke right back into reality. She was right, although Clarke could not stop herself from checking on Madi. “Any problems in there?”, she asked as Raven caught up. Madi shook her head and Clarke sighed, seeing that she was indeed alright.

“We gotta go.” The mechanic was the first to enter the room and looked back to give a few last commands.  
“Everyone stay with me and be fast. I can put off their cameras and cause a little irritation but not for too long. We may have five minutes to find the wolf, free it and get out of there. Echo? No fight if not needed. Let me get one thing clear and that is that I don’t want them to die. After all they are skypeople just like some of us were when we first arrived here. And there are friendly people too, believe it or not. If we want any chance to live in peace one day, we need to do it my way not yours.”

Clarke nodded, agreeing to Raven’s words and stroked Madi’s cheek in a hurry. “You stay outside with Gaia. When she tells you to run, you run. – And no discussions. You do as I say this time.” Clarke knew that Madi wanted to help. She saw it in her face. That Madi felt responsible for not taking more care of the wolf. But with going inside there all alone and opening the door she had done her part already and Clarke knew she would be more focused without Madi in danger. To her surprise, Madi did not even try to discuss this time and went off towards Gaia. The flamekeeper would protect her and whatever made Clarke think that… she trusted in Gaia’s promise. Maybe it was because of the way Gaia still believed in the spirit, like Clarke did it, too.

 When Clarke entered the dropship, she swallowed hard once and felt, how all her body rebelled against this. What had been her safest place here on earth – their own dropship back then – now caused her to feel uncomfortable in a way she could not explain.

She was a grounder now. There was no way back.

“It feels wrong, doesn’t it?”, was Echo’s comment as she saw Clarke’s face. Although Raven had asked to not use the aggressive path here, Clarke already had recognized Echo’s dagger in her right boot. It made her feel safer. She would not risk being unarmed when it came to the worst. “More than that”, Clarke answered and got an understanding nod from Echo for the first time ever as they followed Raven, who made the door close behind them again. _Captured._

* * *

 

…

From between the trees it was hard to guess how many of them were there and who exactly was part of this group. She was focused on what they were doing, as she placed herself differently once more in the tree, still watching. Her hood masked her face but the dark eyes gave her an unhealthy look, especially in connection with her unusual white skin. She knew that this was dumb, but she just had to check it herself, hoping to get a glimpse of…

Then she saw her.

It had been years and the warm gaze was gone. All that was left was a somehow cold and calculating glance. But after years and years of surviving, everyone just had that kind of look. She could not help but feel weak. Weak for her feelings about this moment, this woman. Never had she ever believed she would meet her again.

…

* * *

 

Three minutes left. Working under pressure had never been a problem for Raven. If there was one thing she could always count on, it was her brain and the way she was able to focus in emergency situations.

“Echo! There must be something in that corner to open the goddamn lock. Another tool or…” The mechanic was kneeing in front of the wolf’s cage and tried to understand the technical barrier that was connected to the lock. She could not help but think that this was a genius one. No surprise. She knew that it must have been Harriet’s work, and that woman had been smart enough for once to follow what Raven had taught her before. Not smart enough to think about the risk of Raven being the one to open it though. As it was kind of her own invention, it would be easy to shut it down with the right tool in her hands.

 As Clarke and Echo searched the whole room, Raven went on and on, trying to find the kill switch to this thing. _Either on the backside or hidden behind the F6-button…_ She checked the time. Two and a half minutes left. The wolf had come nearer and put its nose outside, trying to touch the lock but Raven shook her head. “Don’t touch it, wolf. We will make it worse with that.”

Clarke and Echo finally returned with something that looked like a smaller version of a screw-wrench. Not exactly what the mechanic had hoped for but it would do its task. Without hesitating any longer she fulfilled every step her brain had calculated the last minute. As she had expected it, the last step was again protected by a password but she shut it down before it could cause any problems. “Great”, she mumbled and finally opened the lock. The moment the wolf came outside and Clarke went forward to touch it to check if it was alright, Raven got up and exhaled for a few seconds before suddenly the wolf growled again. Raven raised her gaze and immediately knew why when she saw its ears flicking back and forth. “For fucks sake, no!”

Echo and Clarke were by her side in no time and seemed to be more confused than ever but Raven turned around to them and threw the tool away. “Looks like they safeguarded it more than I expected.” She watched the time, that counted down to zero. The cameras would be on again in no time.

“The alarm just went off and they will know we are here. RUN!”

Raven tried to memorize the fastest way out without using the way they had taken before. The tunnel system of the dropship was complicated but just a bit bigger than Arcadia’s had been so she remembered it quite well. Now that the alarm went off, the machine room was the first thing they would appear at. As she went forward she knew already that there was about zero chance to get out of here without Eligius-crew crossing their way. Especially with her being handicapped with her leg. They would not be fast enough. In moments like this she knew she was a burden. She felt it and she hated it. If there was one thing that was clear for Raven, it was the fact that for rescuing the others she would sacrifice herself with staying here. It had been her plan since they went inside and it was the only thing she could offer Eligius. Her mechanical knowledge for the other ones’ freedom.

“Guess you should have known that Harriet has always been a bit smarter than you, Raven.”

The clear, dark voice was only a few meters behind them but the moment Raven turned around – only one hallway away from the freedom – she knew that they were already surrounded. Mike – the leader of Eligius-crew and a few of the others stood in the hallway next to the machine-room Raven had avoided to cross. Mike had raised his pistol and pointed in their direction. That was it. She would offer them to stay here for everyone else. What she knew about the wolf already should be enough for them to be convinced for now. They would agree. Raven knew it.

“It’s nice to meet you again as well, Mike”, she answered calmly as she saw in the corner of her eye how Echo prepared herself to fight their way out. Her right hand grabbed Echo’s wrist though. She did not want this blood bath. It would not end this situation or probably even make it worse after all. _Blood must not have blood._ As she checked on Clarke, she knew that Wanheda thought the same. They just wanted to take back the wolf and leave. And if Raven had to stay for that then it had to be this way. Harriet appeared behind Mike and seemed to feel more than uncomfortable with her current situation. She was the only one who was nearly always unarmed. Raven knew that she was liked by Harriet, even admired, and that the mechanic of Eligius-crew and direct assistant to Mike would never hurt anyone on purpose. She just wanted to do her job, like Raven did. She was the brain on the team and Raven had the feeling she was the only one she would be able to call friend when it came to Eligius. She had been the one who had convinced Mike of not treating Raven and the others from Arcadia like animals. She had been the one who had convinced him that Raven should work with her on the machines. After all she had been the one who had helped Raven to stay sane somehow.

Raven saw how Mike’s glance wandered over to Echo and Clarke, the wolf and eventually back to her. His glance was full of disgust – a look that he had always had when he saw something he did not know a lot about. As he was the leader of Eligius, he would protect his people as well and Raven knew that he would not hesitate to just shoot them.  
“We can either do this the easy way – the wolf stays and you leave as if you weren’t even here in the first place and don’t return… or you all try to run and die trying so. Your choice.”

Raven was about to answer as Echo took a step forward, face to face with Mike’s pistol. “You can go rot in hell before we let anyone stay here, skyrat.” Raven knew Echo had gone too far. He was so angry, she thought she saw a blood vessel bulging on Mike’s forehead.

But before he could react to Echo’s disrespect, there was a noise behind them that took everyone’s attention, followed by the appearing of a hooded figure who did not hesitate to throw the guards on the other side of the hallway to the ground in no time. The figure’s face was masked but Raven had the feeling there was something familiar about it.

Using the sudden diversion, the wolf jumped forward and tackled Mike to the ground. Clarke – quick-witted as always – rushed towards the entrance of the dropship, Echo right behind her. The mechanic exchanged a look with Harriet, not knowing what else to say and eventually turned around, trying to keep up. Not knowing what exactly was happening here or who the person was that just had risked their life to safe them, Raven reached the entrance door and felt the soft forest ground under her feet again. There was no time to stop. As they ran, Raven was soon overtaken by the wolf that ran onwards next to Clarke and Echo, who led the group. The destination was somewhere far away, somewhere safe. She did not dare to look behind her. The hooded figure was nowhere to be seen.

Unable to stop for a break, Raven groaned silently and felt the pain running up her spine. What made her the most problems was her leg. Back on the forest ground she had problems with keeping up. The roots of the big old oaks that survived the death wave made her way rough. It was no problem for somebody who jumped and ran like the others could, but it caused Raven to feel her handicap with every step.  She needed a break but she also knew that Mike was probably already behind them. The loud shouting behind her told her so, the sound of their boots made the leaves rustle on the ground.

_I can’t. I can’t go on anymore._

Her leg was about to lose its power – in her head she already saw herself fall –as two strong arms held her up and grabbed her upper body to support her run. It all went way too fast for her to realize anything else but the masked face next to hers and the way she was finally able to catch up to the others again, who waited in the next clearing were they had stayed the last night. It seemed as if they had made it for now. Raven sank to the ground the moment her supporter let go off her body and only realized that Echo had turned around and jumped on him…her…it? She saw how the Azgeda warrior pulled out her dagger and put it on the other one’s throat, pulling down the hood.

All went by like a movie. A movie that somebody was playing in slow-motion. Madi held the wolf close to her body and pressed her face into its pelt. Gaia stood next to her and seemed to hold onto her pocket which probably held the A.I. Clarke was looking at the scene in front of her and Raven saw her own confusion reflected in her friend’s facial expression.

It was in that moment Raven finally realized that it was their masked savior who also supported her running away from the dropship. Her savior was there on the ground, threatened by Echo, the former Azgeda-warrior who seemed to have went back to only knowing her will to survive and protect her people.  
   
And it was in that moment Raven’s brain did not react for the first time in her entire life. Somebody shut it down. Somebody had created an error right here in her brain. Somebody had caused damage.  
Then there was a voice, a woman screamed loudly, shouted at Echo to stop attacking. It took her a second before Raven realized she had been the one who had screamed. Maybe it was for the way she had screamed as she had never done before, maybe it was the way Echo had built up trust towards the mechanic over the last years in space… whatever it was, the former warrior stopped her action and looked up, making room for them to see who their hooded savior was.

Raven recognized the face under the hood. She would recognize it everywhere. She would have recognized the strong hands on her body everywhere, if her brain would have reacted the way she was used to. She would forever recognize the dark hair, that was longer now but still curled a bit, the dark and deep eyes that hid so many secrets. The shadows under her eyes had grown bigger, but they were still her eyes. 

Clarke, who had taken a step towards Raven and kneed down next to her, said the name that Raven had not been able to say over all those past years. The name that had been like a wave, drowning her while saving her from becoming mad. The name that had meant something to her years and years ago.

 

After all these years it still meant something.

 

“Luna?”


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I admit that this chapter is kinda sad - but Clexa is indeed a lovestory with a lot of tragedy...  
> So sorry! But as I am not writing an AU here I can't leave it out.  
> I hope you all enjoy to hear from Luna again, though.  
> I promise there's a lot more to come from her than we see right now. 
> 
> May we meet again! 
> 
> x

∞ Chapter 15 ∞

Luna. She was right in front of them but somehow Clarke found it hard to believe. Luna died in the conclave. Octavia won for Skaikru. How was it possible she was here, alive and well? Automatically she put one hand on Raven’s shoulder. It was something that Clarke did not have to talk about with the mechanic, it was the way Raven looked at Luna. It was the way her eyes widened, as if there was a fight between pain and happiness. Clarke somehow knew that this look would have been hers if it was not Luna coming back to life but somebody else… Lexa.

Wanheda saw how Luna jumped up on her feet, her hands pulling out her little sword from her side. The former Floukru-leader was focused on Echo, probably because she was somehow the biggest threat right now. It was her move to calm the situation. She could not help to feel responsible. Still. “Echo. Stop”, she repeated Raven’s words from before and took a step forward in between the two warriors. “She’s a… friend. It’s okay.” There was so much that was not making any sense.

“I know who she is, Clarke, and she is not a friend. She is a traitor for the nightblood. She never was worthy of it”, Echo responded the moment Raven got up and took a step forward, standing next to her now. Clarke looked over to the side, seeing only the mechanic’s side profile. It was the first time she saw a glance like that from Raven. Trying to figure out something that had no possible and logical explanation.

“I see Azgeda is still one-sided as always. And just interested in showing off something they call power.” Luna’s impassive attitude and her cold, bitter voice seemed to resound from the forest side. Clarke literally felt the coldness running up her spine, listening to Luna’s last statement. “I call it blindness.”

Before Echo could say anything in return, Raven lifted her hand and stopped her. Clarke took a deep, relieved breath, looking back at Echo, who definitely had had something on her mind to throw at the Floukru, but did not do it out of something Clarke recognized as respect towards Raven. As Luna’s eyes wandered back to the mechanic, their eyes met and it created a moment of so deep intimacy that Clarke nearly felt uncomfortable. She looked away, turning her head towards Madi who was still holding the wolf. Same as Echo, Gaia had more like a defensive pose.  
But something about the scene had changed. Instead of being uninterested, the white wolf was focused so much on Luna, that it suddenly started to seem weird to the Wanheda. Its green eyes did not leave her once.

_What was it that made Luna so interesting for the wolf?_

* * *

“I am glad you made it”, Luna simply said, breaking the silence and sounding far more soft than before. Raven nodded, unable to hide a little sparkle in her eyes. “Me too.” Clarke lowered her gaze and stroked over Madi’s hair. The little nightblood was placed in between Clarke’s lap and the wolfs warm body. She had fallen asleep the moment they had lighted the fireplace. Now that the trees were covered in the welcoming and warm red light again, they had given back the feeling of being safe on this clearing.

All of them had gathered around the little fire, though Echo refused to sit there with Luna and was focused on walking through the forest a few meters away. ‘Just in case’ she had shortly explained herself as she walked off, shouldering her bow, but it was clear a part of her felt betrayed by the way they had let Luna in without any doubt. Clarke had seen this behavior before and she got it. After all those years in the space Echo had probably proven herself more than once but that did not matter when they had arrived at the bunker. Azgeda had to prove themselves over and over again while all the others never seemed to have a problem with any other clan. Even though Luna was known as the ‘traitor to the nightblood’ she was still more welcome than Azgeda ever would be. Then again maybe it was about Roan too. Luna had killed the king of Azgeda and in the moment she said it, Clarke saw that it was the reason for Echo’s hatred, too. After all that had happened Echo still felt guilty for not protecting Roan. She saw him die. She saw him lose against the Floukru. As the king’s guard his death meant her personal failure. And nothing was worse than failing in her life’s task. It was something so strong and deep that Clarke thought it must be the reason for Echo’s behavior.

As Clarke focused on the wolf again, her thoughts got lost a bit. There was a chance, right? Her heartbeat started to fasten. There was a chance now. _Maybe someday…_ She closed her blue eyes and reviewed on her mind what she had heard earlier, when Luna had started to speak up about the past.

* * *

_“The conclave wasn’t brutal. It was necessary. They would have never accepted any other way of deciding over the bunker. It’s the grounder’s way. You would understand it if you would have grown up as one of us.”_

_Clarke swallowed her upcoming anger. “Maybe”, she said, disagreeing with Echo on a higher level than she could possibly explain. In her opinion this was not about tradition or growing up, but it was senseless to discuss something like that with Echo. Her belief was too strong anyways. Her behavior? It was not possible to convince her anyways. So instead of fighting, Clarke looked back at Luna and nodded once. Avoiding the fight. “Please go on.”_

_“The room was dark. But there was a dimmed light. It was from the candles. I remember following the blood she had lost. I followed it, I ended in front of something like a wardrobe… well… I knew that she was in there. But I was wrong. She was clever. Octavia.”_

_Luna paused and shook her head, a weird smile was on her lips that seemed to be very misplaced. Like the others though, Clarke was paying attention to every word Luna said and did not dare to interrupt her. The Wanheda desperately wanted to fill the blanks she had from that day and Luna was the one who was able to do so._

_“She put the blood there before I came to the room and waited for me to be careless. Too sure of winning. The truth is… I don’t know if I even wanted to win. I don’t know if that time I wanted to be the one who survived. Maybe I didn’t want to be the last person on earth. But it is clear that I didn’t want this to go on either. So… Octavia stabbed me from behind. I was the last opponent. She won and I fell – I felt how my life was ended, leaving my body. I remember that I was relieved that it did.”_

_Even though Clarke knew perfectly that nearly everyone had reached that point one day, due to the pressure, the constant fear of dying, but hearing somebody say it out loud caused her to feel the most uncomfortable emotions inside. Luna had given up._

_It caused Clarke to feel uncomfortable because she knew that she had been so close to giving up herself. Right before she had found Madi._

* * *

“Where are you going?”

Clarke turned around sighing, but somehow not surprised that Echo had realized her trying to sneak away. “I need a bit of time for myself. I…” – “Don’t explain yourself. Just go.” Echo nodded and leaned herself on the next tree’s bark. Clarke sighed again, nodded and moved onwards. Sometimes, in the most unexpected moments people were still able to surprise her.

While Clarke was walking and walking to get her head free of all the thoughts inside, she was focusing on just the nature itself. With her hands she touched every tree that she walked by. Every now and then she lowered her body and touched the ground, too. Here the world was fine. Here Clarke was fine. In the middle of just the nature. It was dark but Clarke did not have any problem with that. She actually liked it. Being part of the night. Being just a shadow that slowly became part of the world.

Once more Clarke stopped, lowered her body and touched the moist forest ground. It was an action so calming that she was missing the small noise behind her. Or maybe it was just the fact that it was so familiar after all this time. It was no threat. Clarke slowly rubbed her fingers together. Raising her hand to the nose she breathed in and closed her eyes.

_Pad pad pad._

Instead of turning around she just moved on again with a small smile on her face, until she found herself being on another clearing one or two kilometers away from the one that they had chosen for their bivouac. There was a tree trunk in the middle of the clearing that invited Clarke to sit down. It had a melancholic atmosphere. Something that pulled Clarke closer without her being able to just stay away. The memories. Her smile slowly faded as she sat down and wiped off the dirt with the help of her coat. Then, in the first moment of feeling so hopeless and weak again, her hand found its way inside of one of her large pockets on the inside of her coat and grabbed the little secret that was still inside. After all this time…

She pulled out the strong strand of hair and let her finger carefully wander over the texture of the hair-bands.

* * *

_“She would want you to have it… It is the grounder’s tradition. Titus gave it to me, as I am her second, but it is you who was closest to her.”_

_Clarke found herself smiling under tears and placing her hand on his shoulder while he put the strand of Lexa’s hair inside of her hand. “Thank you, Aden.”_  
 _The little nightblood nodded respectfully and took a step back, respecting Clarke like Lexa had told him to. As the Wanheda. She swallowed and let the hair wander inside of her coat’s pocket before she focused on Aden again._  
  
_“I’m here to see you. You made me a promise. To support my people.”_  
 _“If Heda’s spirit chooses me…”_  
 _“Yes. Will you still…?”_

_Clarke saw how Aden’s eyes wandered off to the other nightbloods in the room. Lexa’s nightbloods._

_“We all will. Lexa made each of us vow it.”_

_The moment all of them respectfully lowered her head in front of her, Clarke lost her breath. Even after death, Lexa found a way to be here. To save her and her people. The feeling that grew inside was more than just missing Lexa. She now realized she had lost her. She had lost the one._

_“We loved her”, Aden added silently, before the door of the room was opened._

* * *

 

Clarke looked up. The deep green eyes of the wolf were focused on her as it tilted its head once more. “I miss you.” The wolf remained immovable. “The real you.”  
Now that she had said it out loud, she put one of her hands on top of the animal’s head and closed her eyes.

“Come back to me. Please just come back.”

Her voice was barely audible, just a silent whisper in the night. The tears came silently, too. One… at first. The next one followed. The cold nose of the wolf carefully touched Clarke’s left cheek, catching the tear, being a comfort to the woman who had been through so much.

“I can’t do this without you… I don’t have the strength. I never had it.”

The white wolf placed its head in Clarke’s lap, its eyes remained wide open. As she was watched by the wolf from its lower position, Clarke felt that at least she was not alone.

_You were born for this, Clarke. Same as me._

* * *

_“Ouch. Clarke. You are hurting me.”_

_It was the fifth time in a row that Clarke had started all over again to braid Lexa’s hair like she had seen it before. And she was not doing well. Obviously though, she was of another opinion – and she would not give up._

_“One last try”, she begged and let her hand wander through Lexa’s long brown waves. The Heda sighed. “You said the except same thing the last three times already, Clarke.” She turned her head just to find that it was a mistake. And Clarke knew she had gotten everything she wanted in the moment Lexa saw her overacted sad face. “Fine... try again, Clarke”, the Heda said sighing and turned around again. Clarke could imagine perfectly the way Lexa had rolled her eyes at her but instead of saying anything, she put Lexa’s hair aside and kissed the small place in between the Heda’s ear and neck. She felt how the other one shivered under her soft touch before she said: “You are impossible.” Clarke smiled brightly, still being close to Lexa’s ear. “I know.”_

* * *

As Clarke began to shake a bit in the cold, the wolf came closer to her body and flickered its tail from side to side.

“Maybe we should go back”, Clarke heard herself say, even though she knew perfectly that it was not what she wanted. While all things seemed to fall in place itself again, Clarke felt exactly like before. She was working towards the happiness of her closed ones and along the way she started to lose herself. She started to forget about herself.  
And most importantly she started to forget, what it was like to be herself.

_Who am I?_


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back to "Under my skin"!
> 
> I don't want to spoil too much with this one but you will definitely get to know more about Luna / her past / how I see it all.  
> Let's see what you think about it!  
> Let me know in the comments! 
> 
> May we meet again!
> 
> x

**∞ Chapter 16 ∞**

 

The next morning Clarke was already done with packing up and just waited for the others as Gaia came closer to her side and made clear she wanted to have a word. Clarke let her gaze wander over the clearing and saw that the others were still busy doing more or less important things for the ongoing journey. Nobody saw that they stepped a few steps afar to not be disturbed. “What happened?”, Clarke asked, but part of her already knew what Gaia was about to say. Since the moment Luna had spoken up about what happened and how she survived, it’s been inside Clarke like a clock ticking. There were those … gaps in the story. Gaps that made things possible. _Things…_

“She did not tell us everything she knows”, Gaia simply said and even though the flamekeeper did not say her name out loud, both women knew that this conversation circled around the former Floukru-leader. Luna. Clarke turned her head aside, focusing on the silhouettes of both Luna and Raven as they seemed to be talking secretive again – but what was even more remarkable was again the wolf’s behavior.

“Your wolf-friend is more focused on her than on anyone else”, Gaia went on with her concern and Clarke finally turned her head back to her. “I know. And I’ve actually recognized the same.” Luna kept parts of the story and Clarke could not help but to feel like she was missing out on something huge. Something life changing. Sighing, the Wanheda let her hand wander through her hair and narrowed her eyes. This journey did not really bring them any results yet and Clarke knew that all eyes were on her. Before they had started to leave the bunker, everyone knew that Clarke did not really have any clues where to go or what they might find. But now that they had been wandering on and on for days, everyone seemed to get a little impatient. Including herself. She looked up into Gaia’s eyes. The flamekeeper had remained quietly while Clarke had thought about the next step, but even in her dark eyes there was some kind of concern now. Clarke cleared her throat and took a deep breath, before she added: “We will have to decide what to do next either way. And if she knows more about the wolf or anything related to that she will have to speak up about it eventually.”

* * *

 

On this day, the wolf finally seemed to have added a bit more speed and clearance into its leading-style. As they passed another river and a stonier, mountain-like terrain, Clarke slowly caught up to the white animal and put a hand on its back to stop it. Her other hand was placed on her hips. With the small movement on her head, Clarke pointed back at the group and especially Madi. “We need a break”, she murmured and the wolf immediately sank down into a sitting position. It was the first time that Clarke recognized that the wolf never seemed to need to fulfill any natural needs. Of course she had seen it eating and drinking before, but it did not seem to be so… necessary. As if it just did those things because it was used to do them.

The others sank down on the ground to relax. Raven and Luna had wandered off to get more water from the river, while Echo had set herself the task to find something eatable. The sun was high and the terrain did not really offer them a lot of places in the shadow, but it could have been worse. Clarke had actually survived worse. She turned around to sit next to Madi and gave her little protégé a warm smile. “Everything alright? You are so quiet.” It was just now that Madi’s facial expression softened a bit. She had been tense all day and Clarke felt a bit guilty to not have asked her earlier. Obviously the child was a lot more empathetic than a usual child her age, so she probably had recognized the wolf’s change as well.  

“Ai don sen in chit bilaik ai gaf sen in”, Madi said and Clarke squeezed her shoulder. “English, Madi.” The little nightblood pulled her legs closer and sighed. “It’s just… I overheard Luna and Raven talking last night. They thought we were all asleep but I wasn’t, because I wanted to wait for you to return. I know this is not what we do but…” Clarke had already narrowed her eyes, but not for the reason of Madi listening to other people’s conversations. But at this point she was sure there was something that Luna hid… and maybe Madi had heard more. “It’s fine. Go on, strikon.”

Madi sighed, relieved, and finally raised her head again. “I was too worried for Lexa… I mean the wolf. She was so focused on Luna that I thought at first Luna might be dangerous but then… Clarke… Luna asked Raven if the wolf’s eyes glowed up before. And more things. Things that she could not know. Things that you only know when you’ve been with the wolf before. And she said something about being on the right way...” Clarke tensed her jaw muscle and got up. “Noumou”, she murmured, a kind of anger coming up inside her and she got up on her feet. _Enough._ The others saw her as the leader of the journey, right? Then now Luna would not be able to reject her from wanting to know more. This journey was giving Clarke the last hope to find something related to Lexa. The last hope to hold onto. Whatever it took, Luna would talk right here and right now.

* * *

 

As Luna filled the bottles with water, Raven’s eyes did not leave her body once. It still seemed to be something like a dream or a mirage. Something not real. But here she was, down on earth again, escaped the Eligius and on a journey to find out what a weird looking wolf wanted to tell them about the life of Clarke’s lost love. Raven did not join all this because she knew it would actually lead them somewhere near Lexa. Raven joined this to be distracted in the first place. Thinking about a journey and the mechanism behind the A.I. – or the commander’s spirit how they called it – distracted her perfectly from feeling alone on this world. Never had she ever thought it would lead her right back to Luna.

“You are staring, Raven.” The mechanic lowered her gaze and therefore missed the way Luna’s mouth angle rose for a second. Instead, Raven focused on putting on her leg-brace again, not knowing what to answer. She felt as if her brain did not really want to function. It reminded her a bit of what had happened with ALIE damaging parts of her brain… but this was more like a good blackout than a painful one.   
  
“It’s okay. Long time no see”, Luna chuckled and left the riverside to sit down next to Raven on the ground. The mechanic felt Luna’s hand on her shoulder and just shortly afterwards, the hand of the Floukru slowly drew circles on the mechanic’s back. Raven did not realize that she had begun to cry, not until Luna’s slow circles stopped. “What’s wrong?” – “I’m afraid I wake up back in the spaceship and it was all just a dream. You were gone, Luna. You were and we didn’t even get to say goodbye.”

Raven looked up and saw Luna’s calm gaze on her, as the Floukru slowly breathed in and out, before she turned around to look at the water. “Life is like the sea… sometimes you get the storm… then again you have the soft and warm waves at the shore. But a smooth sea never made a good sailor after all.” As the high sun reflected its light on the flowing water in the river, Raven felt how she slowly began to calm down again, more and more with every moment Luna was around. The truth was that after all these years she still had the feeling that something inside of her had not been okay. Her brain… it had taken a damage so huge that she knew she still felt it as more than just a phantom pain. But right now she felt the tension leaving. Flowing and leaving.

The mechanic felt the need to say something, but at the same time she did not know what. How was it possible to bring any logic to all this? Any explanation? She did not know and this was new. “In all these years I’ve been trying to figure out if there was anything I could have done more. Just… anything. The nightblood, the chip, the city of light… I feel like I missed out on something about all this and...” Suddenly, Luna was right in front of her. Face to face she smiled over Raven’s surprised gasp. “Sometimes there is no explanation, Raven. Sometimes you need to believe in a bit more than just science.” Raven did not see this coming, but the moment Luna’s lips softly touched hers, she felt that it was all that she had needed in her entire life. A part of her was still surprised by how soft Luna could be. The warrior’s hand gently ran down Raven’s spine while the other one was placed on her cheek. Knowing her skills on the battlefield and now feeling her like this… it was extraordinary.

Raven kissed her back more shyly in the beginning, but overwhelmed by her feelings she began to pull the Floukru closer to her eventually. With those things Raven was never one of those people who did hesitate with others. If she wanted to be with someone, she was confident enough to go for it. She knew what she had to offer and it was a lot more than just being smart. But with Luna… it had all been different from the very start. Luna had reached her in a way she could not explain and that had been the moment her brain was completely out of order. It was heart over head for the first time in Raven’s entire life. Even with Finn – whom she had loved – she had never felt like her mind was out of control. Luna though – she managed to make her dizzy with just one smile of hers. Finally, she understood what Luna meant with saying that some things were not explainable.

They broke the kiss and Raven felt the endorphins running through her body. Nothing felt blockaded now. Everything felt possible again. “Feeling better?”, Luna asked while Raven unwillingly had touched her lips with her fingers, as if it was kind of possible to feel the kiss there. “I’m getting there”, the mechanic answered with a smile that was returned, when suddenly the noise of upcoming steps disturbed the atmosphere.

“We need to talk”, Clarke only said and the anger in her voice washed Luna’s smile away. Raven narrowed her eyes as Luna’s cold facial expression was back. “I thought you’d never asked for that, Wanheda”, she answered. “Bring it.”

“I know you are hiding things. But this is not the time, Luna. Either you tell us what’s going on here or you can leave this group. It’s about time something happens. So tell me what’s happening here.” Raven saw how Clarke came closer to Luna and she did not like the tension between them at all. Not like this. The cause of this journey was the wolf after all… and if Luna knew more… The mechanic tried to read in Luna’s dark eyes but there was nothing but the façade she had put up the moment Clarke had joined them.

“I can’t.”

“What do you mean you can’t?” 

Clarke felt how she had to hold herself back more and more. The time was running away – or at least she felt like this was exactly what was happening. The mood of everyone who joined this was tenser with every day… the goal of their journey seemed to be unreachable. Something had to happen now.

“You might have black blood now, but you never learned what it means to be a Natblida.” The icy tone in Luna’s voice went right into Clarke’s heart and she took a step back. Her mouth was dry and she swallowed hard. It was the truth. She had not grown up the way Lexa, Luna and even Aden and the other young nightbloods did. She never had understood all of this because there was this huge secret circling around all of it. But it was enough. She had the right to know more. She was a grounder now. A Natblida.

“I told you already, Clarke, even Lexa kept those things from you as well because it’s so much more than just the color of our blood. It’s the tradition. The roots that connect us to the ground. Those things that make us grounders. You don’t know because you didn’t grow up this way. The things connected to this are a deep mystery, carried on generation by generation. I’m telling you even Gaia knows a lot more than she tells you – but she won’t because it’s all connected. Don’t you see that? The grounders never wanted any of you skypeople to understand it because it’s the only thing we had that you never would be able to take from us. Our pride.”

It felt like there was nothing that Clarke could respond with. Deep down Luna seemed to be right and it hurt to realize it. After all these years, Clarke felt like a grounder herself. Clarke felt more Trikru than Skaikru. Actually, Clarke did not want to be part of any clan anymore. She just tried to survive, day by day. And now that there was a little chance… “How do you know why Lexa did what she did? You fled the conclave, after all. You never saw her rule.”

“Wrong.” Luna turned around to take a look at the river again. “So Lexa kept her promise… even with you.”

* * *

 

_"Ella won the last round. That means you two are matched against each other in the second round.”_

_No. Lexa raised her eyes and found her own feelings – the shock – reflected in Luna’s eyes. Both had known that the day would come but part of Lexa had always hoped not to be the one who had to fight against Luna. Of course Lexa wanted to win but not with Luna’s blood on her hands._  
  
_“I can’t fight against her”, she said eventually and felt the strong hand on her shoulder. It was Anya who had brought the news. Her mentor, who had put so much into her training. Anya, who counted on Lexa to be the winner of the conclave. And still, this was the first time Lexa wanted to disagree with her. She just did not find the words to do so._

_“There is no other way. You were born for this. Trained for this. This is your destiny. Heda has to choose the next. Don’t get in the way of that. Make me proud instead by fighting the most honorable fight the clans have ever seen. And let Heda’s spirit guide you.”_  
  
_With those words that were meant for both of them, Anya left the room and it was only Lexa and Luna left, and the terrible knowledge that on the next day both of them would have to fight until one of them died by the hand of the other. “People I loved died today. I can’t let that happen again.”_

_Lexa saw the tear in Luna’s eye before it came running down her cheek. She had never cried before. Never. Not when the others complained about their fate. Not when she got hurt in a fight. But now she did. And Lexa knew that Luna cried mostly for the loss of her brother, who had died on this day, killed by his sister’s hand. Luna’s younger brother who had been so brave and smart. Sometimes even a pain in the ass, but Lexa and Luna loved his cheeky words to raise the mood, and even though Luna had complained a lot about him, deep down she had loved him. After all he was her blood. And now he was gone._

_“I’m sorry”, Lexa managed to say and Luna lifted her hand to stop her from saying more._   
_“We all know how this is gonna end, but I don’t want it this way. I won’t let that happen.”_   
_The confusion was present on Lexa’s face as Luna took a step towards her and put both of her hands on Lexa’s shoulders. “If we fight, I will most likely beat you”, Luna added, but instead of having some kind of arrogance in her voice, Lexa heard a true despair. “I might beat you in the fight, but you are the one who was chosen to be Heda from the very first day of our training. You are the one that they talk about when it comes to the prophecy. The fight for a better world… the peace in between the clans… Lexa! This is your destiny. It will be your legacy and it was never mine. I’ve never wanted to be Heda. It would be a mistake. The one that will be better for our people… all the people… It’s you.”_

_Luna pulled her sword out of her scabbard and held it up high. For one second, Lexa thought she saw the dried blood from today’s fight on it, but Luna let it sink and focused on Lexa instead. “Kigon yo gonplei, Leksa kom trikru. For it is your destiny to lead.” Keep fighting, Lexa._   
_Luna let the sword fall to the ground, creating a metallic sound with it and turned around. With clenched fists she was about to leave. Leave and flee – not for being scared, but for destiny to find its right path._

_For one second though, Lexa saw her hesitating, and it was enough. “Luna…”_   
_Both sank into the deep embrace of each other, holding on to each other. Just the two of them and the big weight on their shoulders. They had grown up together, like sisters. All the memories ran through Lexa’s body as she took a deep breath. “Feva ona ai tombom, sis kom Natblida”, she whispered and Luna’s embrace strengthened. “I promise you will be safe and nobody ever find out where you are.”_

_Forever in my heart, sister of the nightblood._

* * *

_“Heda! We should send out the guards and find her. She will mean you no harm if we just hunt her down. She is a traitor of the blood and it is a huge risk to keep her alive. If she is dead, you are truly the last Natblida and therefore the risk is gone. I beg you to remember my teachings. Love is weakness, and you owe her nothing. To be commander is to be alone.”_

_Lexa, still not used to her new title but well aware of what Titus was talking about, turned around on her balcony and only narrowed her green eyes for a small second. Of course he was talking about Luna’s escape. The moment they had found out about it, the rumors were growing with every second but as Lexa had won the fight against Ella, she was the only Natblida left here in Polis. As long as nobody else would know about Luna, she was the rightful leader of their people._

_“No. Let her go. Luna will mean no harm to my status here.” - “Heda, as your flamekeeper…” – “As my flamekeeper it is your task to give me advise, Titus. What is done is my decision. And it is settled. Jomp em op en yu jomp ai op. You heard me. Now leave.”_

_The moment Titus left the room of the Polis tower, the new commander stepped towards the balcony’s edge and let her gaze wander over the city of Polis, the market, the people down there… then the forest. Suddenly, the red cape, the armor and even the small headpiece on her forehead seemed to weigh heavily on her. Lexa closed her eyes for a moment and imagined Luna on her horse, riding towards the place they had been talking about for weeks and weeks… just in case._

_“Stay safe, Luna, wherever you are. Oso gonplei nou ste odon nowe.”_

_Our fight is never over._


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back!
> 
> As the journey continues, the group has to face new challenges.  
> Will they make it? And where does the wolf lead them?  
> Will Clarke finally find out how all this is connected?  
> And what is it that Luna is keeping from them?
> 
> We will find out soon.  
> May we meet again! x

**∞ Chapter 17 ∞**

 

The day went over with no more special events. Clarke thought a lot about what she had heard. She had stopped to force more questions on Luna. There was something about all the story that had created a lot of respect inside of her. Luna was a connection to Lexa that Clarke had never realized before. Not to this extent. A connection mostly to Lexa’s past, the life the commander had had before meeting Clarke, but still a steady one. She knew deepest fears and thoughts of Lexa and suddenly Clarke even felt a little pushed aside. The commander Lexa had been with all the people surrounding her had been cold and not in reach. She had been a blank page for most of them, but the little inside view Clarke had gotten, always had made her feel so special. She had been sure that she was the only one who really knew Lexa. The woman behind the title. Now she was not so sure anymore.

While extinguishing the ember that was left from the fireplace of the night before, she nearly burned her fingers. Once again she was so deep in thoughts. It was Madi who slowly pulled away her ash-grey hands from the fireplace and therefore saved her from any wounds.

“Let me do that”, the little nightblood simply said and continued to throw sand on the ember while Clarke let out a little sigh. “Something is wrong, isn’t it?”, Madi added, looking up to Clarke again. Feeling the heart sink inside her body, Clarke wiped away one of Madi’s strands of hair like she used to do it before going to sleep. Her first instinct was to lie, making Madi think that everything was fine, but something inside of her did not let her do that this time. _She would know it’s not the truth._ Maybe it was because of all the things Madi had proven while being on this journey that had opened Clarke’s eyes a little… or maybe and most likely it was because Clarke had held back all the upcoming feelings for so many years and feeling them again was more painful than ever. As Madi raised her voice a third time, the Wanheda looked back at her and saw the worried face. “Are you thinking about Lexa?”

“I just don’t know if I am doing what she would have done. I don’t really know if I am good enough to lead us here”, Clarke answered her. She knew that these words were said too vaguely to really make any sense or satisfy the child, but to Clarke’s surprise Madi just nodded and leaned back to take a seat on the tree trunk that they already had used the night before. It was obvious that her answer was well thought, because Clarke realized how she furrowed her brow in the usual way. It was just a small familiar look but it reminded Clarke of all the things that they had been through in the past 6 years. She said down next to her protégé and closed her eyes. It was so quiet for one second that Clarke was able to hear the tree’s voices again. Even here on the edge of the desert. “The tree’s voices”, how her mum always had called them back when she had read stories about the earth to Clarke. Rustling leaves, the tree’s branches that swayed in the wind and gently touched the branches of the next tree…

Eventually Madi raised her hand and placed it on Clarke’s before she gently gave it a squeeze as if she wanted to send her a bit of energy. As Clarke opened her eyes, the little nightblood suddenly seemed so grown-up that it made her proud and scared at the same time. “A wise warrior once told me that even if you aren’t Lexa – the commander of 13 clans – being yourself is always enough if you try to be the best ‘you’ one could imagine. You don’t have to be Heda to change the world for the better, you know.”

Clarke’s and Madi’s gazes met exactly the moment Madi recited her words from the night before they had met the wolf. The Wanheda could not help but smile. “That must have been a very wise warrior”, Clarke said and Madi smiled in return. “You bet she is.” Breathing in, Clarke opened her arms and pulled the little nightblood into a warm embrace. She knew that now, more than ever, Madi was a huge reason for her strength and her will to go on. Seeing Madi fight all these things on the way was like an inspiration for her. And yet she felt like going on this journey was the most selfish thing she had done since she had met the child. After all she wanted Madi to have a safe home, like the one they had had before following the wolf on this journey that seemed to have no real end. Yet here Madi was, being the only one who fully believed in Clarke and never questioned her actions. “I never thanked you, Madi”, Clarke said and loosened her arms a little. “For what?” – “Going on my nerves so much that they refused to just say goodbye to this world before you behave enough to stay alive.” Both started to giggle again but the feeling of knowing the true meaning behind these words was mutual. Clarke was here because she had found Madi all these years ago. The child had needed her and that had been reason enough to stay and fight.

The forest noises mixed with the dull sound of paws on the forest ground. It had become so familiar that Clarke did not even turn around to welcome the white wolf. “There’s nothing to thank me for, really. I am just so thankful you agreed to go on this journey. I really wanna help my friend. I feel like it is the right thing to do.” Madi ruffled the snow-white fur between the wolf's ears and added: “You’re such a fluffball, Lexa-pakstoka.” _I hope we can find out more_ , Clarke thought instead of answering and felt how the wolf’s eyes had focused on her again.

* * *

 

"Tell me more about that desert we're about to cross", Raven asked and Clarke looked over to the huge wasteland that bordered on the stony mountain-terrain they had reached the day before. The wolf was running up and down the edge of the desert as if it was searching for something that was invisible for human-eyes. It was clear to them that they would have to cross it, because the wolf had stepped in and out a several times. Suddenly it seemed a lot more rushed than the days before. Raven wondered why.

"There's not much I can tell you, actually. Once I've walked into it for like one kilometer. I wanted to see if there's any living creature I could hunt. But nothing. I mean I did not find anything. It's wasteland, kilometers over kilometers." Clarke raised her shoulders and took a deep breath. They never had tried to go farther than that. The forest had had enough prey for her and Madi, plus the natural eatable things like the berry-bushes they had found. It had been unnecessary to risk anything with this desert. "At least we won't have to deal with any enemies then", Echo added and Luna let out a breathy sound that sounded a little scoffing. 

"Believe me, Azgeda, you don't wanna meet one of these sandstorms. They are more than just sand." The Floukru pulled up the sleeve of her shirt and revealed scars on her upper arm that looked like she had fallen through a glassy window. "Glass-sandstorms. There are particles of glass inside the storms that cut you into pieces if you don't have any shelter. Been there done that." Clarke noticed how Madi gave Luna an approving look as if she celebrated the bravery of the warrior, while Raven just inhaled audibly. "That indeed does not make it easier. Okay... All of you spread out now and find me as much iron as possible. I've seen a lot of pieces nearby; guess there was some kind of building somewhere here before the deathwave hit us. I'm gonna make us sandstorm-proof." As always Raven was quick-witted and did not hesitate to find good and possible solutions. - "Glass-sandstorm-proof." - "That too."

* * *

 

 “Once we cross the desert it will get easier”, Luna promised and stroked Raven’s back a bit. Raven was working on the iron-pieces the others had collected for her. With the help of the few tools she had brought with her, she managed to make them a bit more handy. It was possible to hold them up like a shield. She was creating an amount of five because she did not plan to give one to Madi, too. They were too heavy and she did not want the child anywhere but in the middle of them. When they eventually left, Luna and Raven had a little distance to the others because instead of entering the desert, the wolf had decided to walk alongside the border for another mile and Raven’s leg did not really like the long walks. But there was more to it. Luna felt how the mechanic studied her face as if she was one of her machines and it cost Luna a lot to not let her façade drop.

“What do you know that you are not telling us?”, Raven asked, eventually breaking the silence between them and Luna pulled back her hand from the mechanic’s back. Since the kiss, Luna and Raven were always somehow in touch, even if it was just the touch of a hand or a little look just for each other.  _It is only a matter of time until she will find out either way. But you can’t say more. It has to be done this way. The wolf…_ “There’s nothing I know that will make this journey any easier, which means there’s nothing I’ve got to say.” The Floukru warrior shouldered one of the iron-shields Raven had worked on the whole morning. “I know you don’t trust them but… You could at least trust me, Luna.” There was this sadness in Raven’s voice that broke her façade more and more and she knew that she could not let that happen. Not now. So short before… In that moment, the wolf turned its head and blinked twice. It let Luna feel the weight of the iron more. Or maybe it was just her bad conscience. _You are doing the right thing. You gave your word._ “I am sorry Raven, but there is nothing more to say.”

 

* * *

 

The wolf turned its head from side to side and finally focused on Clarke again. It waited for her words. “It’s now or never”, the Wanheda tried to interpret the gaze and everyone raised their iron shields. The green eyes had brightened up again the moment Gaia reached inside her pocket and formed words with her mouth that were not audible for anyone. The animal heard it nonetheless.

“Hofli Keryon kom Heda na shoun ‘so op en shil 'so klin. Hofli oso na mafta op sampada kom Beka Pramheda na lok op oso fousen geda ona graun.“  
_May the Spirit of the Commanders guide and protect us. May we follow in the footsteps of Bekka Pramheda to find our rightful place on this Earth._

The wolf flicked its ears and blinked again. _They will._ Before taking another step inside the desert grounds, the white wolf turned around to Madi and tilted its head before it used its tailtip to tap on the ground once. The little nightblood breathed in and out and her mouth angle rose for a second before the mechanic stepped forward to explain her plans. _It had been smart to bring her on this journey. Distraction on one side, the knowledge on the other side._  
  
“We build a circle. The wolf is in the front, leading us. Madi right behind it, she can’t carry these iron shields. – No offense, Mads. – The others surround them. We have to move slowly but steadily. My calculations are good but I have never been in one of these glass-sandstorms and I don’t plan to find out what happens when the iron is face to face with it.”

Everyone did as Raven had told them and the wolf moved. The circle moved with it. _Forward, forward._ The desert sand created a warmish feeling under its paws but it was not too hot to burn them. Luckily, it was not sunhigh anymore, so the heat was acceptable, even when they moved more and more inside this wasteland. _Don’t hesitate. Come to me._ The wolf felt Madi’s small hand on its back and lowered its tail to give her legs a little nudge. The sticky heat made it hard to focus but it had no choice. The yellow land had no start, no end. Shallow breathing and coughing were not the only symptoms that the humans would not be able to go on for long. Madi’s grip on its back weighed more with every step. They went on and on and all this way did not seem to lead into any direction but the wolf knew where to go. The wolf knew.

Then – a scream – blacking out everything else. The hand was gone. The little child’s steady breath with it. It was Clarke’s voice who brought sense to it. _Clarke._ “MADI!” The wolf stopped and turned around. The Wanheda had lowered her shield while the others had closed the circle around them. The little nightblood laid flat on the ground, her face was pale, and her lips that were usually formed into a smile were cracked and split now. The dry heat had done its work in such a small amount of time. _Water._ She was just a child. She was not made for this. Not made for having to go through this. No child should face these things…

 _Give her water. But not too much._ “Here, I have a little bit of water left”, Gaia said and the wolf made room for the flamekeeper to give the water to Clarke. As she carefully dampened the child’s lips with the water, it started to move again. The wolf was relieved when Madi came round after having fainted half-way through the desert. “Drink, but not too much”, Clarke said quietly, holding her body up with her hand. The wolf raised its tail. If it would have known how to agree, it would have done exactly that. Carefully it touched Madi’s pale cheek with its nose instead and was relieved even more when she smiled one of her little cheeky smiles. “I could not leave you alone either way, Lexa.” The wolf tilted its head with the name but didn’t react in any other way.

“I don’t really enjoy disturbing your little happiness but I guess this is reason enough to do so.” As Echo spoke up, the wolf realized its attention had lost focus in the meantime and it cocked its ears immediately. _No. Not when we are so close._ The paws sank deeper into the sand. It felt like sinking in.  
“Sandstorm.” _Glass-sandstorm,_ the wolf corrected Echo in its mind and a deep growl came from the depth of its throat. _Move. Now._

 

* * *

 

Clarke, Echo, Gaia and Luna alternated with helping Madi. Raven had enough to do with herself. Her leg did not make this very easy for her in the deep sand, but Clarke’s worries were more with Madi. She kept walking courageously but the weight she put on Clarke’s arm weighed heavier with every minute. Her quiet looks to Clarke showed the Wanheda that the child did not like to put more on Clarke but she could not help it. As always, Raven felt like a burden, too, but Luna and Echo helped her as well, when possible. It was a quiet understanding that Clarke was more with Madi than the others. Madi was her responsibility. Her little protégé.

All of them had lost a lot of energy. A whole day in the desert took more than one week in the forest. It was as if the sand was somehow sending rays to slow them down or absorb their resources. _Why not?_ Clarke did not exclude anything on this earth anymore.

The wolf had kept up with its speed now that the sandstorm was a closer coming threat. It came nearer from the west side and it was something they were not able to fight. Similar to the death wave years ago but way smaller obviously. At the same time the wolf led them, everyone was still focused on keeping up the iron shields. Eventually Clarke thought she saw the edge of the desert. They nearly had made it. Just a bit more…

_No._

Instead of the edge of the yellow wasteland there was just an edge and no ground. Clarke took a step forward to stand next to the wolf. A cliff that separated them from the other side was going more than 20 to 30 meters in depth. And there was no other way out of the desert if they did not want to go back all the way.

“This is it.” Gaia sank on her knees and Clarke saw how she grabbed her pocket. “We will never make it back before the storm reaches us. It took us one day to cross it already. Whatever this desert is doing to us, we won’t make it.” While the flamekeeper send quiet prayers or something that looked like it to the sky, Clarke held up Madi’s body and searched for any way out. The wolf had started to run up and down the cliff as if it searched for something special.

“I refuse to just give up. Ge smak daun, gyon op nodotaim. We didn’t come all this way for nothing. The wolf has to have something in mind.” _Get knocked down, get back up._ As Echo said that, Raven stepped forward and exchanged a look with her. “If so, I’d prefer it would finally reveal its solution or we are as divided by cutting as the glass-particles in the sandstorm are.”

* * *

 

 _Ai na ste yuj kos ai gonplei nou ste odon kom nau.  
_ _I will be strong for my fight is not yet over._


End file.
